


Come like shadows, so depart

by cold_and_broken_waluigi



Category: Macbeth - Shakespeare, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: A Very Potter Musical (mentioned), A Very Potter Sequel (mentioned), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber References, Cats 2019 (mentioned), Crack, F/F, F/M, Fake Crush, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fleance is a cat, Friendship, Gen, If my English teacher sees this I'm sorry, In-depth discussion of the Compare The Market meerkats, Jurgen Leitner (mentioned) - Freeform, Jurgen Leitner rant, M/M, Nightmare Time (mentioned), Rated T for language, Sailor Moon (mentioned), Shrek Superslam, The Capulets' A+ Parenting, The Nice And Accurate Prophecies Of Agnes Nutter (mentioned), They're all theatre kids, all pronouns used for malcolm, groupchat au, mild sexual references, that's Mercutio's fault, the inherent anger of zoom debates, they/them pronouns for macduff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cold_and_broken_waluigi/pseuds/cold_and_broken_waluigi
Summary: [Groupchat- Weïrd Sisters ✌️🤪😈]Witch 1- when shall we three meet again?Witch 2- All I did was leave you alone in Ikea for FIVE MINUTES--A Macbeth Groupchat AU.
Relationships: Banquo & Macbeth, Juliet Capulet/Rosaline, Macbeth/Lady Macbeth, Macduff/Lady Macduff, Mercutio/Benvolio Montague
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. When Shall We Three Meet Again?

[Groupchat- Weïrd Sisters ✌️🤪😈]

Witch 1- when shall we three meet again?

Witch 2- All I did was leave you alone in Ikea for FIVE MINUTES  
Witch 2- Wait actually where are you

Witch 1- you fool you buffoon you traitor i was trying to be cool and deep  
Witch 1- and i’m by a chair

Witch 2- You are going to have to be more specific than that.

Witch 1- uhhhh red chair I think? or brown. or maybe green.

Witch 2- You’re colourblind, this isn’t helping.

Witch 3- did you LEAVE witch 1 aLONE?????  
Witch 3- the child? the youngling? my sweet summer baby still swaddled in the innocence of youth????

Witch 1- ...  
Witch 1- i’m only three weeks younger than you.  
Witch 1- but yes I was abandoned 😔

Witch 3- witch 2 how DARE you

Witch 2- I haven’t ABANDONED her. I know she’s by a chair that may be one of three colours.

Witch 3- no you don’t understand  
Witch 3- you don’t leave someone alone in ikea  
Witch 3- it’s a fucking cursed land  
Witch 3- as a witch you should know this

Witch 2- Well if she gave me more specific directions about where she was

Witch 3- no, no. she is gone now. Ikea has claimed her as its own. Witch 1 do you have any sage on you

Witch 1- no but I have a leaf I stole from a mint plant in someone’s front garden because I wanted to smell it.

Witch 2- Can confirm, she made me go and talk to the old woman living there so she could steal a leaf while she was distracted.  
Witch 2- I had to pretend to be selling microwaves for her smh.

Witch 3- oh well its all about intent  
Witch 3- witch 1 you have to burn your leaf

Witch 1- no it’s not worth it  
Witch 1- i’m already here sniffing my mint leaf like i’m just doing drugs in the ikea i cant burn it  
Witch 1- besides im clinging onto it for stability

Witch 2- Seriously, where are you?

Witch 1- there’s some chairs and a carpet  
Witch 1- the chairs might be plastic I think? or like a light metal.  
Witch 1- the carpet is made out of carpet

Witch 2- ‘The floor here is made out of floor.’  
Witch 2- Just send me a picture.

Witch 1 attached a photo.  
[Image description- Witch 1 is sitting in one of those kiddie egg chairs, pouting. She holds a suspicious amount of mint leaves and is clutching an Ikea shark, which still has the price tag on.]

Witch 1- When shall I be freed from this mortal prison?

Witch 3- unfortunately that is up to ikea itself to decide. you have been claimed, and you need to wait until ikea decides you are not worth devouring

Witch 2- d e v o u r i n g???  
Witch 2- Also how did you get that many mint leaves?

Witch 1- you were doing so well as a fake microwave saleswoman that I thought it was what Fate really intended you to be, in the future, so I took as many leaves as I could to let you realise your true calling. you’ll thank me later.  
Witch 1- o fuck someone’s coming

Witch 3- Count the teeth.

Witch 2- The t e e t h?

Witch 3- The teeth.

Witch 2- Stop using capitals, it makes me anxious when you use punctuation. You never do it so it always means you’re doing something weird.

Witch 3- Oh, does it? I never noticed; perhaps it is simply a personality quirk.

Witch 1- reading that has been spookier than my entire experience in Ikea combined.  
Witch 1- also Witch 2 sent a staff member to come and find me so im ok now  
Witch 1- Witch 2 is buying me the shark as reparations.

Witch 3- i mean thats pog for you but like how many teeth did the staff member have

Witch 1- they had teeth yes

Witch 3- but like how many teeth

Witch 1- there were indeed teeth

Witch 3- How many teeth, Witch 1?

Witch 1- jesus fuck I hate it when you use punctuation  
Witch 1- Look, to quantify teeth (or anything really) into an amount is inherently evil and here’s why. Things were made to be made, and that is factual. Things were not made to be used; they were made to just be. We, as (supposed) humans, are of course part of this; the myth that you are somehow obligated to ‘make something of yourself’ is a capitalist lie designed to make us do more things and engage with capitalism. Thus, things should not be counted, or quantified into an amount, because they exist to exist, not to be ‘too many’ or ‘not enough’ or ‘an oddly large amount, when you think about it, and worryingly sharp, and hungry looking’. Also ‘teeth’ is an entirely subjective term, and, as such, cannot be quantified. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Witch 2- Jesus Christ

Witch 3- so how many teeth

Witch 1- what should i name my shark? :)

Witch 3- you’re deflecting but I’ll allow it because it brings us onto the subject of NAMES.

Witch 2- oh god here we go

Witch 3- why the HECK (and by heck i mean fuck) do we all have the same name? Why? W h y ? And why would that name be WITCH??? and why the hell do we not use nicknames? why do we use these stupid ‘witch 1’ ‘witch 2’ like first of all we are INDIVIDUALS and second i’m still salty that I’m the lowest number on all of them.

Witch 2- You’re the highest number. 3 is more than 1.

Witch 3- this is exactly the kind of energy I do NOT stand for. What the fuck. What the f u c k. I propose that we ban these stupid ass names and think of something else.

Witch 2- No, the names are part of the appeal.  
Witch 2- We’re like the heathers.

Witch 1- Perhaps we were destined to all meet, and that's why we have the same name. To wreck that balance would be to alter fate.

Witch 3- well you know what fuck both of you

Witch 2- We have two votes for keeping the names and one against it. So it’s just more fair this way.

Witch 1- Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

Witch 3- wtf


	2. "Calm and Friendly Zoom Debate"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get heated in the 'calm and friendly zoom debate' fandom

[Groupchat- me and the boys]

Captain- well that was FUCKING terrible  
Captain- hellish.  
Captain- infernal.  
Captain- I hate it here.  
Macdonwald- well if you guys could just ACCEPT that i am RIGHT

Captain- stfu big mac, we don’t even know what your name is? Like are you macdonald? macdonwald? mcdonalds? be quiet you happymeal  
Captain- actually no I am very much not happy right now  
Captain- Unhappymeal.

[Ross changed Captain’s nickname to Captain Crunch]  
[Captain Crunch changed Ross’ name to (g)Ross]  
[(g)Ross changed Macdonwald’s name to Big Mac]

Lennox- no please we can’t call anyone mac there are too many macs in this chat  
Lennox- like we have Macbeth

Captain Crunch- my MacBoi

Lennox- and Macduff, not in this chat but mentioned enough 

Captain Crunch- a valid and funky person

Lennox- and Malcolm, who, while, not a Mac, is dangerously close to being one.

Captain Crunch- he’s on thin fucking ice

Lennox- then, as we have said, Macdon(w?)ald

Captain Crunch- not valid, not good, don’t like him, don’t stan, would dropkick without hesitation

Duncan- Why? What’s he done?

Captain Crunch- look king i appreciate you and your sanity but i can and will quote the entire ‘jurgen leitner’ rant except about Macdonwald

Malcolm- what’s the jurgen leitner rant? (´･ω･`)?

(g)Ross- oh god malcolm what have you released

Captain Crunch- MACDONWALD? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING MACDONWALD GOD DAMN FOOL ZOOM DEBATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD THANE OF CAWWHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING MACDONWALD

Lennox- hey cap what the fuck

Captain Crunch- IF I WANTED TO GET INTO HEAVEN AND GOD SAID MACDONWALD WAS WAITING INSIDE I WOULD PISS ON GOD’S FEET FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING SENT BACK DOWN.

Duncan- I take it your ‘calm and friendly zoom debate’ didn’t go well then?

Macbeth- no it really didn’t

Captain Crunch- IF I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MACDONWALD SPEAKING ONE WORD IN VOICE ON ZOOM DEBATE NOT ONLY WILL I CLOSE THE TAB BUT I WILL DELETE MY ZOOM ACCOUNT OUT OF SPITE AND HAVE TO REMAKE AN ACCOUNT SO THAT I CAN FORGET ALL THE TIMES THAT MACDONWALD HAS BEEN MENTIONED OR ALIVE IN MY ZOOM MEETINGS.

Malcolm- well now i regret asking （＞д＜）

Captain Crunch- I’M GOING TO ASK THOSE 3 WITCHES IF THEY CAN DIVINE A DATE FOR WHEN MACDONWALD DIES OR WILL DIE SO I CAN MAKE IT A REMINDER ON MY PHONE AND EVERY DAY ONCE A YEAR I WILL DO ANYTHING BUT PAY RESPECTS TO THE MAN WHO HAD SO MANY FUCKED UP IF TRUE BAD TAKES IN ZOOM DEBATE

Duncan- well, that was… heated.

Lennox- you should hear him talk about the sound of people breathing

Captain Crunch- OKAY BUT IT’S SO LOUD AND LIKE NORMALLY ITS FINE BUT LIKE ALONE IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE WITH ONE OTHER PERSON THAT SHIT’S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING NOTICEABLE AND IT GIVES ME ANXIETY I HATE IT.

Malcolm- (´。＿。｀)

  
Captain Crunch- I will restrain myself for Malcolm’s sake.

Lennox- very noble of you

Captain Crunch- so to affirm what Macbeth said, yes zoom debate was hell  
Captain Crunch- i’d thought that Macdonwald would be on my side but the man has so many bad takes 😔  
Captain Crunch- heart been broke💔 so many times⏱️i don't know🤔what to believe❓  
Captain Crunch- Macbeth and Banquo saved our asses though, they were so rad  
Captain Crunch- we stan our debate kings 👑

(g)Ross- simp

Captain Crunch- well fuck you too Ross

Duncan- May I ask what the topic was?

Lennox- it was ‘Crocs: good or bad?’  
Lennox- it quickly evolved into a heated discussion about the evils of capitalism  
Lennox- then Macdonwald, because he couldn’t think of a good point, said ‘well you’ve just lost The Game’ and Cap went feral

(g)Ross- note that the term ‘feral’ is not used loosely  
(g)Ross- he was hissing like in the start bit of ‘man finds a feral cat very scared and aggressive and befriends it’ videos, except we have not got to the ‘befriending’ stage yet  
(g)Ross- and believe me it was heated already, what with the revelation that Macdonwald is a Crocs-hating capitalist  
(g)Ross- his sister Witch 3 came in and he nearly fucking bit her like i was genuinely concerned  
(g)Ross- all through this Macbeth and Banquo were still fighting for crocs as if their very lives were on the line  
(g)Ross- it took Lennox sending Cap a picture of Duncan as a duck to get him to the ‘talking’ stage  
(g)Ross- and then he said “Macdonwald I am so viscerally disappointed in you” and left the call, presumably to come here.

Duncan- interesting. Is Macbeth online?

Lennox- I don’t think so why  
Duncan- Just thought he should witness this, but it’s not a problem if he can’t.

[Duncan removed Big Mac]

Captain Crunch- YES KING  
Captain Crunch- that was so fundamentally satisfying it should be on maslow’s hierarchy of needs

Malcolm- hey so now who’s going to be the thane of cawdor? (゜。゜)

Lennox- i still dont understand how the thanes thing works tbh

Captain Crunch- oh its this bizarre social hierarchy they invented in highschool  
Captain Crunch- i think its based on old scottish monarchy or some shit but them knowing that in high school would mean that all my friends are fucking nerds so i choose to ignore it.

Lennox- but...you know it 😳

(g)Ross- are you, too, a fucking nerd, Cap?

Captain Crunch- absolutely not I just had a cursory glance at the wiki page  
Captain Crunch- anyway it starts with the King, which is my man duncan currently  
Captain Crunch- the King can choose who gets removed from the group chats, and any rules that require you to put money into the Funds Jar, which we are all far too aware of

Lennox- tag yourself for completely irrational rules that Duncan makes you pay up for, I’m ‘no mention of f*rbies without warning’ with a fine of 50p

(g)Ross- I’m ‘no horny on main’ for a pound

Malcolm- I’m ‘don’t talk about the Cats movie without absolute necessity’ .｡.:*･゜(´＾｀)゜･*:.｡.

Captain Crunch- wait how much is the fine for that

Malcolm- too much (╯︵╰)

Captain Crunch- oh sad  
Captain Crunch- anyway the thanes can put forward new rules  
Captain Crunch- the thanes are all named after scottish castles by the way which is nerdy as fuck  
Captain Crunch- and they can decide what the Funds go towards at the end of the month, hence why we managed to rent out a massive ball pit for a day last October

Lennox- i wasnt in the Friend Group then how did i miss that 😔

Captain Crunch- i honestly wish you were there just because your aesthetic would clash so severely it would be hilarious

(g)Ross- goth lennox in the ball pit what sins will he commit

Lennox- can’t believe you’re laughing at my misfortune, i missed the ball pit  
Lennox- im crying

Captain Crunch- oh no is your eyeliner running? onto all the brightly coloured plastic balls?

Lennox- get fucked

Captain Crunch- 😏  
Captain Crunch- so anyway the thanes r macdonwald (but not any more), Ross, Macbeth, and maybe others??? I dont think so but like idk  
Captain Crunch- you could have a fuckin dude named the Thane of Amhuinnsuidhe whom i have not met in the 4 years knowing you and i would not be surprised because you guys are that nerdy

Macbeth- you knew that Amhuinnsuidhe castle exists Cap  
Macbeth- you are equally if not more nerdy

[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]

Duncan- Stop spamming us with crying cat memes  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]

Lennox- ‘no talk me angy’

(g)Ross- ‘friendship ended with reflecting and realising that I’m also a nerd, now crying cat memes is my only friend’

Malcolm- how do you have so many (๑•﹏•)⋆* ⁑⋆*

Captain Crunch- i buy them wholesale

[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]  
[Captain Crunch sent an image.]

[Duncan removed Captain Crunch]


	3. Macbeth (derogatory)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight CW for a mention of JK Rowling and transphobia, it's a brief mention but stay safe

Witch 1- Where hast thou been sisters?

Witch 2- Again, I literally only saw you 2 hours ago.  
Witch 2- But I’m killing pigs in minecraft wbu.

Witch 3- no!!! that's mean!!!

Witch 1- my sister was sitting in my room eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups™ and so I was like ‘give me a pëanut bütter cüp you thot’ and she said no so can we focus our collective supernatural energies on eviscerating her pls

Witch 2- Yh I'll start catfishing her bf with pictures of cursed furbies or smth.

Witch 3- witch 2 why do you just have random pictures of cursed furbies

Witch 2- I just vibe with their calm yet murderous energy owo.

Witch 1- Quiet in rage and rapturous in joy; are not furbies the true reflection of the hubris of mankind? Is that not why we call them cursed- not because they are inherently sinful but because the sheer depth of their emotional range parallels and possibly even surpasses ours? We do not fear them because of their limiting and pitiful physical forms. We fear them because they remind us of ourselves.

Witch 2- I can't believe I watched you type for three whole minutes just to read this shit.

Witch 3- look I just fear them because mine starts randomly talking at 3am it's not that deep  
Witch 3- petition for our next seance to be held on a furby, all in favour press x

Witch 2- X

Witch 1- C  
Witch 1- *X

Witch 3- smh you had ONE job  
Witch 3- but I have something important to bring to the table

Witch 2- Honestly Witch 3 if you use this as an excuse to come to my house and put a fucking toad on my table again I will riot.

Witch 1- okay first of all he was a frog  
Witch 1- I wasn’t there but even I know that

Witch 3- exACTLY he was a frog and his name was Throckmorton

Witch 1- was he named after the Throckmorton Plot or the ‘my cousin throckmorton’ meme

Witch 3- yes.  
Witch 3- anyway the point is he was IMPORTANT.  
Witch 3- and so is the matter I’d like to raise next.

Witch 1- I’m genuinely fearful, what the fuck is this going to be?

Witch 2- I have a good idea of what it is. Either Witch 3 is coming out to us, or needs help hiding a body, or this is an elaborate setup for an awful pun.

Witch 3- none of those but the fuck you the pun would have been AMAZING.  
Witch 3- So first of all, do we all remember when we were kicked out of the Me and The Thanes group chat?  
Witch 3- they also have a side one called Me And The Boys but we were never in that. but Cap tells me that if you get kicked out of Me And The Boys you also get kicked out of Me And The Thanes.

Witch 1- Yes. my blood boils every time i see the screenshots of their lighthearted groupchat shenanigans but there is nothing I can do because we are still, technically, all friends, because we’re a ‘found family’ and we ‘love each other’ and ‘you’ll get added back to the groupchat soon, there’s only a month’s suspension for crimes like yours’ ugh they make me sick.

Witch 2- Where are you going with this Witch 3?

Witch 3- i propose we unionise  
Witch 3- we form a groupchat with all of the others temporarily suspended  
Witch 3- we plan some small and petty form of revenge  
Witch 3- and we demand better conditions! like we disregard the thane system for a start because that’s bs and we all know it.  
Witch 3- we should be, as a collective group of people, free to decide whatever we want to do with The Fund, and The Funds do benefit us in many ways, but a ‘king’ and ‘thanes’? fucking clowns.

Witch 1- hey I’m doing a course in clowning that’s really wrong

Witch 2- It is indeed really wrong that you are doing a course in clowning.

Witch 1- that is not my intended meaning and you KNOW IT.

Witch 2- It doesn’t even fit with your aesthetic????

Witch 3- actually goth clowncore is a solid vibe tbh  
Witch 3- anyway Witch 1 please know that I wholeheartedly support your aim of becoming a radiant and stunning joculatrix

Witch 1- :oD <3

Witch 3- so are you guys in favour???

  
Witch 2- Regretfully, yes.

Witch 1- yes!!!!

Witch 3- Y E S.

[Witch 3 created a group chat- Thanes R Bad™]  
[Witch 3 added Witch 1, Witch 2, Macdonwald, and Captain)  
[Captain changed Macdonwald’s name to Big Mac]

Witch 2- Cap why do you hate macdonwald like this?

Captain- i do not hate him his existence just inconveniences me  
Captain- but according to the plan as Witch explained it we must unite under a common enemy 😔

Witch 1- wait which witch told you?

Witch 2- There’s 3 of us you have to be more specific.

Big Mac- You really need other usernames.

Witch 3- i have been saying this for two years now!!!

Captain- name yourselves after your favourite fictional witches

[Witch 1 changed their name to Agnes Nutter]

Agnes Nutter- hell yes get some Nice And Accurate Prophecies™

Captain- can you prophecy when macdonwald will next Suffer pls

Agnes Nutter- yeah he will step in a puddle of water and get a wet sock in exactly four minutes and 20 seconds <3

Witch 2- 420 blaze it

Witch 3- 420 blaze it  
Witch 3- wait fuck you beat me

[Witch 2 changed their name to Hermione Granger]

Captain- JK Rowling’s transphobic, ur name’s not valid

Hermione Granger- Shit I didn’t mean the rowling version.

[Hermione Granger changed their name to AVPM Hermione Granger]

Captain- that is indescribably better thank you

Agnes Nutter- only you left Witch 3

[Witch 3 changed their name to Willabella Muckwab]

AVPM Hermione Granger- Is that a Nightmare Time reference?

Willabella Muckwab- yes <3  
Willabella Muckwab- Cap you have to do one

[Captain changed their name to Strega Nona]  
[Strega Nona changed Big Mac’s name to AVPS Umbridge]

AVPM Hermione Granger- Oof the shade

Strega Nona- a reality in which i do not shade m*cdonwald is a reality I don’t want to live in

Willabella Muckwab- Cap really said ‘Macdonwald (derogatory)’  
Willabella Muckwab- but now we have to come together as a group in order to make a statement  
Willabella Muckwab- and that statement is ‘Thanes (derogatory)’

[Strega Nona changed the group name to Thanes (derogatory)]

AVPS Umbridge- oh fuck me

Willabella Muckwab- absolutely not

AVPS Umbridge- i just stepped in a fucking puddle  
AVPS Umbridge- idk why there was WATER on the KITCHEN FLOOR but at this point I don’t care  
AVPS Umbridge- my SOCK  
AVPS Umbridge- is DAMP  
AVPS Umbridge- i’m fucking devastated

Agnes Nutter- it was foreseen

AVPS Umbridge- also what is this chat and why am i here

Willabella Muckwab- it’s all the people who’ve been blocked from Me And The Thanes, we are uniting to take them down  
Willabella Muckwab- does anyone have any plans for what to do

Strega Nona- mail them envelopes full of glitter

AVPM Hermione Granger- Absolutely not.  
AVPM Hermione Granger- I’m not wasting quality glitter on like… Duncan and Ross.

Agnes Nutter- I have a better idea if anyone’s interested.

Willabella Muckwab- guys she’s punctuating, it’s serious

Agnes Nutter- we make MACBETH king

AVPM Hermione Granger- Okay, clearly Witch 1 has not grasped the ‘kings and thanes bad’ thing.

Agnes Nutter- no no I have

Willabella Muckwab- actually guys I think she might be onto something

Agnes Nutter- think about it  
Agnes Nutter- Macbeth would be a TERRIBLE king  
Agnes Nutter- and people would hate the rules he’d set because he’d have so many bad takes  
Agnes Nutter- so they’d all side with us because they realise that anything, ANYTHING would be better than this  
Agnes Nutter- Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

AVPM Hermione Granger- Wow witch 1 you really popped off there.

Willabella Muckwab- you really said ‘Macbeth (derogatory)’ and i think that was very poggers of you

AVPM Hermione Granger- Please Witch 3 that’s not how you use ‘poggers’.

Strega Nona- one small issue  
Strega Nona- some of us like Macbeth :(

AVPS Umbridge- well unfortunately we cannot punish those who have bad taste  
AVPS Umbridge- I’m down because i’m salty about his actions in zoom debate

Strega Nona- aCTUALLY I JUST REALISED  
Strega Nona- it was him who called me a nerd which got me kicked out of the chat

Agnes Nutter- YOU got kicked out because HE called you a nerd?

Strega Nona- well some other stuff happened but basically yes it was basically his fault  
Strega Nona- so yes! Let’s wreck Macbeth!!! Let’s wreck his ass!!!

AVPS Umbridge- his shitty unwashed ass  
AVPS Umbridge- which is not just my opinion by the way, he said it

Willabella Muckwab- that is deeply concerning on so many levels.  
Willabella Muckwab- why would he not only do that but talk about it

AVPS Umbridge- idk he came up to the Macs Chat (me macbeth and macduff) like ‘hey so bae said she WASHES her BUTTCRACK and like are we meant to be doing that???’

AVPM Hermione Granger- I feel like Lady Macbeth should get some kind of medal to be honest.  
AVPM Hermione Granger- Like she puts up with not only knowing Macbeth but dating him and also having the same name as him, and just being thought of as the lady version of him. Like why do we even have Macbeth and Lady Macbeth instead of Macbeth and Man Macbeth??? It’s the same name!

Agnes Nutter- pop off queen  
Agnes Nutter- wait hold on I’m having a brainwave  
Agnes Nutter- we need to get Lady Macbeth in on this

AVPM Hermione Granger- That’s actually a very good idea.  
AVPM Hermione Granger- Thank God you have these genius moments to make up for all the dumbass shit you do.

Strega Nona- it can’t be that dumb compared to some of the things I do

AVPM Hermione Granger- the first time me and her spoke it was because there was nobody else at the bus station and she wanted to try and befriend the pigeon that was nesting in the corner and asked me to tell her if anyone came so she didn’t look weird  
AVPM Hermione Granger- it shat on her shoes and she missed her bus.

Willabella Muckwab- iconic

AVPM Hermione Granger- like I don’t know whether you’ve ever been in a bus station at 5 minutes to midnight with a random goth lady who is taller than you and looks intimidating  
AVPM Hermione Granger- and then she says ‘hey can you tell me if anyone’s coming so I don’t look weird’ and proceeds to make pigeon noises at a pigeon for 20 minutes

Agnes Nutter- hey I ended up catching it  
Agnes Nutter- so you agree right,,, we get Lady Macbeth in here

AVPM Hermione Granger- You caught the pigeon but at what cost?  
AVPM Hermione Granger- And yes add her.

Willabella Muckwab- no wait

[Agnes Nutter added Lady Macbeth]  
[Lady Macbeth changed their name to Elle Em]

Strega Nona- no you messed up our witch names theme  
[Strega Nona changed Elle Em’s name to Queen Beryl]

Queen Beryl- what

Strega Nona- it’s from Sailor Moon

Queen Beryl- no I mean why am I here

Agnes Nutter- read the above messages

AVPM Hermione Granger- Ignore the part with Witch 1’s pigeon origin story.

AVPS Umbridge- wait actually can you confirm that Macbeth doesn’t wash his ass  
AVPS Umbridge- I feel like Cap as a former Macbeth kinnie doesn’t believe me

Strega Nona- i'm not a macbeth kinnie  
Strega Nona- never was never will be

Willabella Muckwab- as your loving sister can i just say you very much are

[Strega Nona sent an image]  
[Strega Nona sent an image]  
[Strega Nona sent an image]  
[Strega Nona sent an image]

Queen Beryl- wtf why do you have so many crying cat memes  
Queen Beryl- but yes Macbeth does not wash his ass and yes, to agree with Witch 2’s point, I do deserve a medal

AVPM Hermione Granger- :D

Queen Beryl- so to summarise  
Queen Beryl- you’ve brought me here to see if I will help you abolish the thane system by doing something vaguely embarrassing to my boyfriend

Strega Nona- we could also mail him glitter in an envelope if you’re interested

Queen Beryl- no no I’m down  
Queen Beryl- what’s the plan?


	4. Misaligned

[Banquo sent a direct message to Macbeth]

Banquo- dude  
Banquo- do you ever feel misaligned

Macbeth- Like how?

Banquo- like you feel that in your heart you're a chaotic good sort of alignment but your highschool actions as a Student Council member reflected those of a lawful neutral so you're terrified that people will start to see you as a lawful person in general instead of your honest and chaotic self and to be honest if you were snitching to teachers about people just calmly passing notes as a high schooler then were you really any better than a cop? And because you have little to no sense of self you can’t tell if you’ve even grown as a person since then and like would you still join the Student Council now??? Would you??? If you had the chance??? How do you know that you’ve progressed since being a highschooler and you haven’t just started behaving differently because you’re in a different environment? and you don’t know and suddenly it's like you're an anime character in desperate need of a redemption arc for character growth but instead all you have is your old Student Council badge and three loaves of banana bread that you impulsively stress baked at 1am

Macbeth- I'm pretty sure that's a problem specific to just you buddy  
Macbeth- do you need me to come over

Banquo- is this some kind of ploy to leech off my banana bread?

Macbeth- absolutely yes

Banquo- in that case no, im giving it to fleance because he CARES.

Macbeth- can cats even eat banana???

Banquo- they have to be able to, have you not seen that one meme of the cat looking at the banana  
Banquo- wait shit can they  
Banquo- Yes, cats can eat banana bread without getting sick. This is because the main ingredient (bananas), are not toxic to cats. There is a good chance your cat will be attracted to the soft texture and smell of banana bread, and it will not cause any harm if your cat eats a couple pieces.  
Banquo- I copied and pasted that from a website so it’s true

Macbeth- tell fleance to enjoy his banana bread then I guess  
Macbeth- can I have a picture of him for my continued silence

Banquo- this is blackmail

Macbeth- it’s equally as morally bad as letting everyone but me still believe that your cat is in fact your son

[Banquo sent an image]  
[Image Description- A grey Maine Coon cat sits on the edge of Banquo’s sofa, looking somewhere between majestic and chaotic. He has an impressive mane and is sniffing at Banquo’s outstretched hand, which holds a small piece of banana bread.]

Banquo- well he is my son in his own way  
Banquo- and i am his father

Macbeth- that is a very different thing from you referring to him as your son once in conversation a year after high school ended then panicking and telling people you have an adoptive child  
Macbeth- but tell your son I love him <3

Banquo- he accepts and appreciates your love

Macbeth- at this point it’s honestly entertaining  
Macbeth- I feel like I’m playing a very long game of ‘how often can banquo talk about Fleance without telling people he’s a cat’

Banquo- love how you capitalised my cat’s name there and not mine

Macbeth- he’s important  
Macbeth- when can I next see him

Banquo- you can come and see him whenever honestly, he loves you

Macbeth- is that why he sits on my feet and doesn’t let me get up  
Banquo- lol yh

Witch 1- All hail Macbeth, Thane of Glamis

Macbeth- hey wtf

Witch 2- All hail Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor.

Macbeth- this is a private chat how are you doing this

Witch 3- All hail Macbeth, that shall be king hereafter.

Witch 1- We Have Foreseen It.

Witch 3- also as a side note banquo i saw what u said earlier about being misaligned and ur totally right, it's a whole mood

Witch 2- Witch 3 can you please get it together.

Banquo- thank you witch 3 <3 but also what the fuck  
Banquo- how did you get into a PRIVATE CHAT

Witch 1- Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none. So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo.  
Witch 1- wait Fleance is a cat???  
Witch 1- as I was saying All Hail Macbeth And Banquo

Witch 3- peace out dudes

Witch 2- I thought we agreed it was ‘Come like shadows, so depart’?

Witch 3- come like shadows so depart dudes

[Witch 1 left]  
[Witch 2 left]

Witch 3- tell fleance I love him

[Witch 3 left]

Banquo- hey what the FUCK was that????  
Banquo- where did they go  
Banquo- where did they COME FROM

Macbeth- where did they come from where did they go where did they come from noble banquo  
Macbeth- they said I’ll be thane of cawdor

Banquo- yh but you’re already thane of glarmz  
Banquo- glarms???

Macbeth- Glamis.

Banquo- right glamis  
Banquo- and since you don’t get more power being thane of 2 things it would benefit you in literally no way  
Banquo- besides how tf would they know, they aren't PSYCHIC

[Groupchat- me and the boys]

Duncan- so as we know m*cdonwald is no longer thane of Cawdor  
Duncan- so I’m happy to announce that the new one is Macbeth

Macbeth- dude thats so pog thank u

[Groupchat- me and the thanes but without all the annoying people]

Macbeth- GUYS  
Macbeth- ARE YOU SEEING THIS  
Macbeth- THIS IS THE SECOND BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Donalbain- what’s the first best

Macbeth- remember that time after we were all in that show together  
Macbeth- I think it was after ‘joseph and the amazing technicolour dreamcoat’ that this happened? Or it might have been after Cats

Lady Macduff- yeah it was after Cats  
Lady Macduff- god I was such a good Demeter

  
Macbeth- you were and i was a great rum tum tugger but that’s not relevant  
Macbeth- so it was after Cats and we were all tired as shit because of the choreography

Malcolm- *you* didn’t even have to do 24 fouettes in a row m8 ⋋_⋌  
Malcolm- your part was just ‘ahaha thrust my hips and be bisexual’ (눈_눈)

Macbeth- yes and I did it very vigorously  
Macbeth- so we went into McDonalds at like 7pm because there was a 24 hour one near my house (where everyone was going to crash anyway) and because it was the asscrack of midwinter it had SNOWED

Cap- okay well first of all ‘the asscrack of midwinter’ is not a thing

Macbeth- it is, like the asscrack of dawn

Macduff- in the asscrack of midwinter, frosty wind made moan 😳🔥🥵  
Macduff- earth stood hard as iron water like a stone 😏😳🥺  
Macduff- snow had fallen snow on snow 🥵🥵🥵

Macbeth- stfu and let me finish  
Macbeth- so it’s snowing outside, we’re at Mcdonalds, and half of us are still in our costumes because it’s closing night and the director doesn’t fucking want to keep them and she can’t send them back  
Macbeth- bae has a leather jacket over her Bombalurina outfit and it’s a look  
Macbeth- so the mcdonalds staff realise we probably can't go home in this and they give us free food and let us charge our phones? And they let us choose the music that’s playing because the only other person in there’s Lennox except we didn’t know him as Lennox then, we just called him WMG and he doesn’t mind the showtunes

Lennox- WMG?

Banquo- Weird Mcdonalds Goth

[Lennox changed his name to Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)]

Macbeth- and then they gave us serving trays to sled down the hill  
Macbeth- we did karaoke with the mcdonalds staff and our round of I Want It That Way was tear jerking honestly  
Macbeth- Cap and Witch 1 are off talking to Lennox somewhere because they’re the only ones who look somewhat normal and Witch 1 can bond with him over a goth aesthetic  
Macbeth- that was the start of Lennox’s befriendment btw  
Macbeth- and yeah that’s the best day of my life so far <3

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- so it was Cats that you were in?  
Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- that’s why you were dressed like… that

Macduff- yes??? What did you think it was???

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- idk i didn’t want to ask  
Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- may i ask who everyone played

Macbeth- well Duncan played Old Deuteronomy ofc  
Macbeth- I played The Rum Tum Tugger

Witch 1- I was Jemima :)  
Witch 1- daylight see the dew on a sunflower and a rose that is fading roses wither away  
Witch 1- like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn I am waiting for the day  
Witch 1- bitch

Cap- I was Mungojerrie

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- what the fuck are these names

Witch 3- I played Rumpleteazer because me and cap are already siblings so we have the dynamic down

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- what the hell is a rumpleteazer  
Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- it sounds like something they’d make me use in my design technology gcse to straighten out my fabric

Witch 2- I played grizabella the sad garbage cat.  
Witch 2- lady macbeth and lady macduff were the bombalurina demeter power duo

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- how are you all saying these names and are fine with it  
Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- like i get that you guys have weird names anyway but wtf???

Macduff- i think it’s some combination of just being conditioned to be ok from months of being in Cats together and also maybe related to the fact that banquo’s kid’s called fleance

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- jesus christ

Macbeth- no that was played by duncan remember  
Macbeth- cat jesus anyway

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- ….cat jesus???

Macbeth- well he takes them to cat heaven yes  
Macbeth- as for the others I think Siward played Alonzo with Young Siward as pouncival  
Macbeth- i know that ross was macavity because that’s why he used to be on the macs groupchat  
Macbeth- he left though because of a debate

Cap- what debate

Macduff- ‘is it morally wrong to like your own comment’.  
Macduff- I played Munkustrap btw and i know Malcolm was mistoffelees

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- what the hell is a monkey strap

Cap- who was victoria??? Ik we had one but idk who it was

Banquo- oh it was some of those ppl from the other theatre  
Banquo- juliet was victoria and romeo was plato it was very weird  
Banquo- especially with me as skimbleshanks  
Banquo- i admire the character but I do not have skimbleshanks energy

Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG)- i thoroughly regret asking now

Banquo- :)

Macbeth- given that our friendship was founded on you looking at a group of people who you probably thought were furries in the middle of the night in a mcdonalds  
Macbeth- and you just went ‘yeah these are my potential furries now’  
Macbeth- you deserve anything and everything that comes to you

Macduff- just be glad malcolm wasn’t online at the time  
Macduff- the person genuinely liked Cats 2019  
Macduff- he would have been distraught you were not in the production  
Macduff- you would have been kin assigned a cats character by malcolm

[Weird Mcdonalds Goth (WMG) left.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let Malcolm kin assign you a Cats character coward


	5. Be Gay Do Crime

[Banquo sent a direct message to Macbeth]

Banquo- okay buddy I know what you're probably thinking  
Banquo- but let's not rush into things

Macbeth- wdym RUSH INTO THINGS? they said I’d be thane of Cawdor and now I am, and they said I’ll be king, so I practically am already king, so I’m king, but being king is hard, because how can you be truly moral? Is there any way to treat all my subjects fairly? Am I, as the member of the Friendship Group, destroying everything I’ve been seeking to repair by making meaningless rules? Who’s to say we have to have rules anyway? Like yes boundaries are important but surely I can’t enforce legislation? You know what, I’ve had enough. I’m abdicating.

Banquo- this is what I'm talking about when I say ‘rush into things’  
Banquo- you can't just trust whatever the Weïrd Sisters say  
Banquo- remember in highschool when the two of them that were present said you would lose your love in a terrible fire  
Banquo- and all day long you didn't let me or Lady Macbeth anywhere near the bunsen burners in chemistry or anything  
Banquo- and then you got home and burned your garlic bread

Macbeth- I won't apologise for being protective over you bro

Banquo- I mean I understand about Lady Macbeth but me too?

Macbeth- THERE'S MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF LOVE YOU DIPSHIT 💖💞💕  
Macbeth- I PHILIA YOU  
Macbeth- YOU STORGE FLEANCE  
MACBETH- AND I PHILIA/ LUDUS/ EROS MY BAE  
Macbeth- THIS HAS BEEN A PSA

Banquo- which is the one you feel so strongly for garlic bread

Macbeth- all of them

Banquo- valid  
Banquo- all i'm saying is don’t get ahead of yourself

Macbeth- im gonna text bae about it  
Macbeth- she’s gonna be so happy for me uwu  
Macbeth- i mean it could be a while before she sees it because she says her WiFi is being a dick at the moment- it registers as ‘read’ and she doesn't respond for days but that's because of her WiFi.

Banquo- are you sure she’s not just leaving you on read?

Macbeth- bro do you really think she’d do that to me

Banquo- why do u never refer to her by her name?

Macbeth- because the disadvantage of Macbeth being a gender neutral name (which would be great for you to name your future kids/cats that aren’t Fleance just saying) is that both me AND bae are called it and it just gets weird super quickly. According to Lady Macduff those guys have the same problem.  
Macbeth- she was thinking of a nickname maybe? like Elle

Banquo- like the girl from Legally Blonde?

Macbeth- asdfhjkjkk I don't KNOW,,, do I look like I've watched Legally Blonde?  
Macbeth- but basically it was like because everyone shortens Lady Macbeth to LM and if you say the letters it's like ‘Elle Em’ so she’s shortening to Elle.

Banquo- good for her honestly, it must suck to just be called the lady version of whoever you're dating  
Banquo- but promise you won't do anything reckless

[Macbeth sent an image]

Banquo- macbeth you have no business sending the ‘perhaps’ cow meme  
Banquo- this is serious  
Banquo- hello?????  
Banquo- …  
Banquo- you're a dumbass

[Macbeth sent a direct message to Lady Macbeth]

Macbeth- hey so i might end up being king

Lady Macbeth- what

Macbeth- those 3 witches said it? And i know it might seem irrational but you remember that one time when they won me 10 pounds on the lottery by saying the right numbers  
Macbeth- also the time they predicted what our next play would be, like they said it’d be Joseph and The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and they were right, and they knew who’d been cast as what and everything

Lady Macbeth- they broke into the director’s bag and looked at the cast list.

Macbeth- but like how did they know to do that? It’s clairvoyance.

Lady Macbeth- wow, a legitimate prophecy! You’re going to be king!

Macbeth- you believe me? 🥺

Lady Macbeth- of course  
Lady Macbeth- but pls dont use the 🥺 emoji have SOME self respect

Macbeth- so the big question is  
Macbeth- how do i become king

Lady Macbeth- idk try Wikihow???

[Group Chat- Thanes (derogatory)]

[Queen Beryl sent an image]  
Queen Beryl- what do we think lads  
Queen Beryl- how are we getting him to king status

Strega Nona- make him admit his sins  
[Lady Macbeth to Macbeth]

Lady Macbeth- uh this website that I consulted said it might help if you confessed some of the bad things you’ve done in your life? Apparently it links to the divine right of kings  
Lady Macbeth- Because you know you have to think about the supernatural if The Witches predicted it

Macbeth- well I mean sometimes when I can’t be bothered to use deodorant I just take my air freshener out of my car and put it in my pocket and hope that works  
Macbeth- does that count as a sin?

Lady Macbeth- yea its very good keep going

Macbeth- once I ate silica gel and nothing happened so I live in constant fear that This Will Be The Day I Succumb

Lady Macbeth- when was it that you ate it

Macbeth- 2014

Lady Macbeth- I think you’ll be fine

Macbeth- but like what if I’m not  
Macbeth- the silica gel packet was a pandora’s box and i opened it elle  
Macbeth- only there is no hope coming out of it only paranoia

Lady Macbeth- jesus christ

Macbeth- there is no jesus here no god here only a heavy battle of good vs evil, fair is foul and foul is fair, silica gel is an unstoppable force and i am an immovable object

Lady Macbeth- maybe leave this to me  
Lady Macbeth- I’ll try to think of some other ideas.  
Lady Macbeth- don’t worry about it

[Group Chat- Thanes (derogatory)]

[Queen Beryl sent an image]  
[Queen Beryl sent an image]

Queen Beryl- I hope you’re happy Cap

Strega Nona- i owe you my life

Queen Beryl- i know and your debt shall soon be paid to me  
Queen Beryl- but now we need a genuine way to kill duncan  
Queen Beryl- *replace duncan  
Queen Beryl- autocorrect

AVPS Umbridge- those words are literally nothing alike

Queen Beryl- neither are ‘french toast’ and ‘egg salad sandwich’ but same ingredients buddy

Agnes Nutter- wow i never thought that planning the downfall of the thane system would involve so much work  
Agnes Nutter- my 4 brain cells are working so hard rn

AVPM Hermione Granger- You have a whole four???

Agnes Nutter- yes??? There’s mine  
Agnes Nutter- there’s the backup one i keep in a little dark academia tote bag that’s printed with classical art aesthetics  
Agnes Nutter- there’s the one I keep in a little hamster cage and when it runs on its Brain Cell Hamster Wheel I experience a thought  
Agnes Nutter- and there’s the one I have joint custody over with Witch 3

Willabella Muckwab- I get it from sunday morning to halfway through wednesday then we switch over <3

AVPM Hermione Granger- That explains a worrying amount of things actually.

Queen Beryl- as the current designated Holder Of Over 12 Brain Cells may i interject

Agnes Nutter- wow weird flex but ok

Queen Beryl- I have an idea.  
Queen Beryl- i think the only thing that could directly cause duncan’s downfall is if he were embarrassed enough to just abdicate  
Queen Beryl- so does anyone know anything vaguely embarrassing about duncan

Strega Nona- you have asked exactly the right person  
Strega Nona- not because I know but because I know someone who does  
Strega Nona- we need to add Macduff they will Know

[Strega Nona added Macduff]

Macduff- hey what the heck and fuck is this

Strega Nona- plotting our little sneaky crimes

[Queen Beryl changed the chat name to Our Little Sneaky Crimes]

Willabella Muckwab- hey macduff please help us abolish the thane system

Macduff- i have a better chat name hold on

[Macduff changed the chat name to Be Gay Do Crime]

Macduff- much better  
Macduff- gays rise up

Agnes Nutter- i wholeheartedly approve of this message

Macduff- so is this for crimes in general or a specific one thing???  
Macduff- am I being invited to participate in a heist???  
Macduff- because while i appreciate your inclusion i highkey think that banquo or someone would be better for this

AVPM Hermione Granger- We’re attempting to abolish the Thane System in the friend group by making Macbeth king and we’d like you to play a part.

Willabella Muckwab- *tom nook voice* yes yes!

Macduff- yes yes!  
Macduff- i will of course help you  
Macduff- the thane system sucks and should not have made it further than high school, let’s kill it with fire  
Macduff- i’m slightly disappointed that this isn’t a group heist but like we can return to that

Strega Nona- wait they need a witch name  
Strega Nona- macduff what do you want your witch name to be

Macduff- luna

Strega Nona- like from harry potter???

Macduff- no like from shrek superslam

Strega Nona- that’s so valid

[AVPS Umbridge changed Macduff’s name to Shrek Superslam Luna]

Shrek Superslam Luna- :D  
Shrek Superslam Luna- so what exactly did you want me to do here

Queen Beryl- you will need to play a part in the heavily complex plan we have orchestrated to make macbeth king  
Queen Beryl- also we would like any and all embarrassing facts you have about duncan

Shrek Superslam Luna- oh boy you guys are in for a wild ride


	6. Duncan And His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range

[Group Chat- Be Gay Do Crime]

Shrek Superslam Luna- so then Duncan had the ukulele in one hand and the 15th century hunting spear in the other and his foot was still in the bear trap, and he was, of course, still in his hello kitty pyjamas

AVPS Umbridge- ‘So my foot's totally stuck in there right, I'm freaking out, the dog's having a seizure and i still got half a pie left’

Willabella Muckwab- wait what happened to the fucking canister of cheese spray

Shrek Superslam Luna- i dropped it, which was honestly the apotheosis of its pathetic miserable existence.

Agnes Nutter- go off macduff

Shrek Superslam Luna- no seriously that shit needed death  
Shrek Superslam Luna- it tasted like sin  
Shrek Superslam Luna- macdonwald you were there, please back me on this

AVPS Umbridge- no i actually liked it  
AVPS Umbridge- it had a certain tang to it i guess???  
AVPS Umbridge- and you could just eat so much cheese in so little time

Agnes Nutter- you could just eat a block of cheese on its own if you weren’t a coward

AVPM Hermione Granger- Witch 1 aren’t you lactose intolerant?

Agnes Nutter- lol yh

Shrek Superslam Luna- can i please get back to the story of the all macs and duncan camping trip  
Shrek Superslam Luna- wait actually you had macdonwald here the whole time  
Shrek Superslam Luna- why did you need me for this

Agnes Nutter- nonbinary representation  
Agnes Nutter- other than Witch 3 I mean because like she’s a she/they and we support that but like she's also annoying so we need you, who is marginally less annoying

Strega Nona- don’t want to hear macdonwald talk

AVPM Hermione Granger- You have a better narrative tone than Macdonwald and it’s nicer to read.

Willabella Muckwab- wanted lennox but we’ve only known him 4 months so he wouldn’t know anything and you’re the stand in

Queen Beryl- obligatory shrek name

Shrek Superslam Luna- all valid reasons well done everyone  
Shrek Superslam Luna- so the bear makes this fucking weird noise  
Shrek Superslam Luna- and Duncan just???? Starts screaming at it

Strega Nona- wait he just started screaming

AVPS Umbridge- it was quite impressive really  
AVPS Umbridge- in terms of vocal capability i mean  
AVPS Umbridge- and i know he sang as Javert when we did les mis and he plays the trumpet but damn he has lung capacity

Shrek Superslam Luna- yeah but he just screamed at it until it went away  
Shrek Superslam Luna- which i have to say must have been at least 2 minutes straight  
Shrek Superslam Luna- he has quite an odd scream too? Which isn’t a normal thing to remark about a person but like  
Shrek Superslam Luna- someone back me up here

AVPS Umbridge- no he does

Agnes Nutter- i agree he does

AVPM Hermione Granger- You weren’t there, how do you know?

Agnes Nutter- oh i made him scream one time

Strega Nona- 👀

AVPS Umbridge- Witch 1 I-

Queen Beryl- Explain.  
Queen Beryl- Immediately.

Agnes Nutter- the first time i met him was at that same bus stop that I tried to befriend that pigeon  
Agnes Nutter- around the same time of night, but Witch 2 wasn’t there because she had a cold  
Agnes Nutter- so I have a goth aesthetic. It was dark outside. I had my bat wings backpack on, you know the one?

AVPM Hermione Granger- Yes we know because every time we see you wearing it you make a different but equally bad bat pun.

Willabella Muckwab- fuck you Witch 2 those puns are GOLDEN

Agnes Nutter- much like the golden bat ahaha  
Agnes Nutter- But yh I went in the bus stop and I stood behind him because as y’all will know except maybe macdonwald, if you go into a bus stop with a random man who looks anything like Duncan you WILL want to see what they’re doing  
Agnes Nutter- not that I couldn’t take him out because i totally could  
Agnes Nutter- but he’s just playing flappy bird and listening to the High School Musical 2 soundtrack which once again he does not look like he does  
Agnes Nutter- man has a full beard and was nearly in tears over Gotta Go My Own Way  
Agnes Nutter- so I take out my Capri-Sun and start to drink it because now I know he’s not actively a threat I’ve got to keep hydrated u know  
Agnes Nutter- some of it runs and goes down my chin  
Agnes Nutter- because I’m BEHIND him I’m half out of the bus stop and then it starts raining hard and I’m not going to let my eyeliner run for anyone or anything

Strega Nona- I thought u used sharpie

Agnes Nutter- only once Lennox taught me how to  
Agnes Nutter- so i open my umbrella and as I do he turns around and lets out the most vivid scream  
Agnes Nutter- motherfucker thought I was turning into a bat

AVPM Hermione Granger- wtf Witch 1 I’m in fucking tears

Agnes Nutter- so was he <|:)

Willabella Muckwab- was it an interesting scream though

Agnes Nutter- yes actually  
Agnes Nutter- the best way to describe it was almost colourful? And I understand that I’m colourblind  
Agnes Nutter- but it was like those colours that shrimp can see and humans can’t?

Strega Nona- *clenches fist* i want to see the shrimp colours

AVPS Umbridge- you’re right Witch 1!!! It’s colourful  
AVPS Umbridge- duncan screams in technicolour

Willabella Muckwab- Duncan and His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range

[AVPM Hermione Granger changed the chat name to Duncan and His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range]

AVPM Hermione Granger- So like did the bear go away?

Strega Nona- no actually legend says it’s still there today  
Strega Nona- petrified by duncan’s effervescent scream

AVPS Umbridge- don’t you mean iridescent

Strega Nona- no ❤️

Shrek Superslam Luna- yes the bear went away  
Shrek Superslam Luna- and so Duncan just went back to the logs where we were sitting and sat down  
Shrek Superslam Luna- and nobody said anything because we were too shook  
Shrek Superslam Luna- so he just chugged half a bottle of green mountain dew and ate a jolly rancher (because you know we were in america so we were trying the American Sweets)  
Shrek Superslam Luna- then he started strumming on the ukulele again and we all launched into another round of Wonderwall

Queen Beryl- Duncan: literally fights off a bear using the fact that he’s a baritone with a weird scream  
Queen Beryl- Duncan: anyway here’s Wonderwall

AVPS Umbridge- no you don’t understand that’s liTERALLY what happened

Queen Beryl- as a Mac i kind of wish i was there just to see it but I don’t claim the macs groupchat nor do i associate with them

Willabella Muckwab- WAIT  
Willabella Muckwab- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEAR TRAP

Shrek Superslam Luna- oh he sat with it on for a bit then he popped it off when there was a lapse  
Shrek Superslam Luna- we asked why he didn’t do it sooner and he just said ‘oh i didnt want to interrupt Little Pistol’ as though we hadn’t already done Little Pistol twice because he only knew five songs on the ukulele and macbeth only knew the first two lines of Mary Had A Little Lamb

Queen Beryl- good news! As his ‘girlfriend’ i can happily report that he now knows the whole thing!

Willabella Muckwab- why did u put gf in speech marks lol

Queen Beryl- I will explain at an undecided point in the future.

Agnes Nutter- ominous

[Groupchat- Weïrd Sisters ✌️🤪😈]

Witch 3- so do you think this means i have a chance?

Witch 2- Absolutely fucking not

Witch 1- stop yearning you hozier gay

Witch 3- noooo im not a hozier gay im a frogs gay

Witch 1- they r one and the same

Witch 2- You are both.

Witch 3- i did NOT ask to be attacked like this.

[Groupchat- Duncan and His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range]

AVPM Hermione Granger- Wait Macduff can’t you play an instrument? I distinctly remember you playing in some band or other in high school.

Shrek Superslam Luna- witch 2 if you seriously think i am going to drag my tuba to america to play it in a forest at a bear you are sorely mistaken  
Shrek Superslam Luna- i only remember three things on it  
Shrek Superslam Luna- one of them is the mii channel theme which you can’t exactly sing to

Strega Nona- you can

Queen Beryl- you can

Agnes Nutter- you can

Willabella Muckwab- you can

AVPM Hermione Granger- You Can.

Shrek Superslam Luna- okay you can  
Shrek Superslam Luna- jesus christ

Queen Beryl- but you say that Macbeth has this filmed?

AVPS Umbridge- yes he does i watched him filming  
AVPS Umbridge- he has the bear arriving up to when we got to a rendition of helena by mcr  
AVPS Umbridge- he might have filmed longer than that but idk i went to sleep after

Shrek Superslam Luna- yeah he did because he got mine and lady macduff’s duet of Africa by Toto  
Shrek Superslam Luna- he sent it to us when we got together as a reminder of how far we’ve come

Willabella Muckwab- couple goals

Queen Beryl- so i’ll just sNeAkiLy pErSuAdE hiM tO rElEaSe iT and duncan will resign

Agnes Nutter- *tom nook voice* yes yes!

Queen Beryl- yes yes!  
Queen Beryl- okay excellent  
Queen Beryl- i really do think that this will go well you know  
Queen Beryl- there is no way at all that any of this can possibly go wrong.


	7. Duncan is a lego and you are a foot

[Lady Macbeth to Macbeth]

Lady Macbeth- come on dude it’ll be easy  
Lady Macbeth- and you’ll be king  
Lady Macbeth- you want to be king don’t you

Macbeth- yeah but like  
Macbeth- what does this say about my morality?  
Macbeth- if i want to be king does that not innately say that i should not be king  
Macbeth- see this all links to a few key principles of ethics

Lady Macbeth- every day i regret more and more the fact that you took two philosophy classes

Macbeth- shit so do i  
Macbeth- i wish i could just...untake them  
Macbeth- im so much more enlightened now and I really can’t cope with the knowledge I’ve amassed

Lady Macbeth- didn’t you sleep through one of them

Macbeth- lol yes  
Macbeth- but i have to go now  
Macbeth- i have to help watch Fleance for banquo tonight

Lady Macbeth- you know it’s really nice that you’re so willing to babysit for him  
Lady Macbeth- i mean i personally would willingly dropkick a child but that’s just me  
Lady Macbeth- but it must be hard for him as a single dad and it’s good that you’re willing to help out

Macbeth- haha yeah

[Macbeth to Banquo]

Macbeth- I Want To See My Little Boy

Banquo- here he comes

Macbeth- I Want To See My Little Boy

[Banquo sent an image]  
[Image description- Fleance sits inside a cardboard box, his grey fur flowing out of it. His tongue sticks slightly out of his mouth in a ‘blep’.]

Macbeth- beautiful majestic radiant ethereal  
Macbeth- talented brilliant incredible amazing show-stopping spectacular never-the-same totally unique completely-not-ever-been-done-before

Banquo- he hears your words of praise and decides to spare your immortal soul  
Banquo- for the time being

Macbeth- tell him i am forever indebted to him for this act of goodwill and charity

Banquo- oh He Knows.  
Banquo- what time are you coming over

Macbeth- i'm pulling on my shoes as we speak so that i can see Fleance as soon as possible

Banquo- you know you really do not need to  
Banquo- not that i mind you coming over, of course i don't  
Banquo- but you keep saying ‘oh if you want to do anything ever then i can watch fleance for you’ and that implies two very incorrect things  
Banquo- 1: that i have any friends other than our immediate friend group, and that they ever want to meet up more than once monthly or for zoom debate  
Banquo- which I’m not even sure is a thing any more??? After cap left I mean.  
Banquo- and 2: that fleance would not be perfectly fine on his own for a few hours

Macbeth- yes but consider  
Macbeth- I’m love him.

Banquo- a compelling argument

Macbeth- i’m on the bus rn  
Macbeth- so weird question lolz but what do you think of duncan haha

Banquo- why do you ask

Macbeth- oh uh for a friend  
Macbeth- you know that dude who played coricopat in our cats production

Banquo- benvolio?????

Macbeth- Yes.  
Macbeth- He Would Like To Know.

Banquo- why????

Macbeth- he didnt say actually i’ll ask him

[Macbeth to Benvolio]

Macbeth- dude i am so so sorry

Benvolio- What did you do this time?

Macbeth- i need a reason for you to hypothetically want to know what banquo thinks of duncan

Benvolio- Who the hell is Banquo?

Macbeth- skimbleshanks???

Benvolio- Oh ok.  
Benvolio- Duncan is Old Deut right???

Macbeth- *tom nook voice* yes yes!  
Macbeth- wait sorry i don’t talk to you much  
Macbeth- sorry if we’re not like on that level yet

Benvolio- What level?

Macbeth- tom nook level

Benvolio- Fair.  
Benvolio- So why do you need a reason for me to know what banquo thinks of duncan?  
Benvolio- Actually no, you know what, I’m adding you to a group chat.

  
[Benvolio added Macbeth to Those Cats People Are Doing Some Weird Shit Again]

Macbeth- oh wow

Mercutio- oh WOW  
Mercutio- idk who you are but am i right in saying you’re one of the cats people?

Macbeth- yes? Are you the guy who fought with me for two weeks because you wanted to be the rum tum tugger and you only stopped when i helped you rickroll the director

Mercutio- oh you’re MACBETH

Mercutio- that’s literally my contact name bro

Mercutio- you have 2 people called macbeth in your friend group bro it’s confusing  
Mercutio- but you are in fact one of the cats people!!! Wtf did you do this time

Benvolio- he just randomly came into my dms like ‘dude i am so so sorry’

Romeo- hey wtf

Macbeth- how long have you even had this group chat

Juliet- since the second day of rehearsals

Macbeth- wow i didnt think we were that chaotic as a group

Benvolio- You Thought Wrong.  
Benvolio- so wtf did you do

Macbeth- of all the formative experiences of my life i did not think having been in cats once was going to be one of them but oh well  
Macbeth- here we go

[Banquo to Macbeth]

Banquo- do you have an answer yet

Macbeth- benvolio takes a long time to type hold on  
Banquo- i didn’t realise you two were still in contact with each other

Macbeth- yeah he’s been consulting me about some other duncan related issues he’s been having  
Macbeth- this might be related i think

[Groupchat- Those Cats People Are Doing Some Weird Shit Again]

Macbeth- again Benvolio i am so so sorry

Benvolio- we have only JUST got to the end of the reason why you needed me the first time wtf have you done in the last 15 seconds  
Benvolio- how could you have possibly have exacerbated this

Macbeth- I’ll send you a screenshot on private

Benvolio- ‘DUNCAN RELATED ISSUES’????  
Benvolio- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PHRASE IT LIKE THAT

Mercutio- alas benvolio duncan is a lego and you are a foot  
Mercutio- duncan is a controversial opinion and you are a calm family gathering  
Mercutio- duncan is glitter and you are a carpet

Romeo- just vacuum it?

Mercutio- that would help actually but that isn’t my point

Romeo- so what story do we concoct for macbeth

Mercutio- i vote possessive ex  
Mercutio- benvolio is duncan’s ex and bitter that he left him, and wants to find out how he’s doing now, without him  
Mercutio- lovers to enemies 100K WIP.

Macbeth- banquo’s known duncan forever and knows he’s never been in a secret relationship

Mercutio- aw beans  
Mercutio- wait actually a genius idea

Benvolio- oh god oh fuck

Mercutio- does he know me and benny boy are dating

Macbeth- uh yeah i think? Given the time we saw you two kissing next to the big shoe

Romeo- the big shoe????

Macbeth- yh dude the big shoe!!! That they throw out of the window in cats

Romeo- i have no memory of the entirety of cats to be honest  
Romeo- i repressed the whole thing

Juliet- probably for the best

Mercutio- SHUT UP EVERYONE I AM HAVING A THOUGHT

Benvolio- everybody stfu this is a rare occurrence

Mercutio- so we tell him that benvolio’s jealous  
Mercutio- because i like duncan.  
Mercutio- i don't, obviously, because he has the world’s shittiest beard and i’m loyal to benvolio  
Mercutio- but goddamn am i willing to act like i’m infatuated with someone  
Mercutio- i did it for juliet’s parents to convince them she was dating a Nice Good Boy Man Good Handsome Morally Right Male Man Boy Man because they had a thing against romeo and we couldn’t use rosaline  
Mercutio- i will do it for you. I will pretend to be in love with Duncan.

Juliet- why not just say that benvolio’s in love with duncan

Mercutio- duncan is quite clearly not benvolio’s type  
Mercutio- I’m an enigma. I’m a chaotic neutral bastard. I could swing either way. I could be attracted to anyone and anything, and my personality and vibes show it.  
Mercutio- benvolio i love u but your twink energy is palpable and they would sniff you out in minutes.

Benvolio- thank you i think

Juliet- I could pretend to be in love with Duncan.

Mercutio- you do a bad enough job at pretending to be in love with me at every family dinner  
Mercutio- ilu jules but the only way we havent been found out is that your family is horribly, HORRIBLY repressed from a romantic perspective  
Mercutio- how tf did they even manage to get married other than through the medium of occasional scandalous hand touching  
Mercutio- and it’s not a reflection on you because i know you’ve had very little decent romantic experience! I on the other hand would be amazing at this

Romeo- i could do it

Mercutio- you have straight energy, they’d see right through you like a  
Mercutio- uh  
Mercutio- like a cat through a transparent object

Romeo- why a cat?

Mercutio- good eyesight? Idk  
Mercutio- so to clarify, I am the only one who gets to be in fake love with duncan  
Mercutio- and benvolio is fake jealous  
Mercutio- have you got all that macbeth?

Macbeth- yeah i think  
Macbeth- i have a lot of questions about your friend group in general but they can wait  
Macbeth- thank you though

Benvolio- np  
Benvolio- i mean it’s not like this is going to turn into a big thing or anything

Romeo- yeah probably not

Mercutio- oh definitely not  
Mercutio- nothing bad will come of this

[Banquo to Macbeth]

Banquo- it has been fifteen minutes where are you and what’s benvolio saying

Macbeth- mercutio seems to be in love with duncan and benvolio’s jealous

Banquo- what the FUCK

Macbeth- yeah so what do you think of duncan  
Macbeth- should he be king? Should he not?  
Macbeth- please make it a detailed answer.


	8. Perish (affectionate)

[Groupchat- Duncan and His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range]

Strega Nona- GUYS

[Strega Nona added Mercutio, Benvolio, Tybalt, Rosaline, Juliet, and Romeo]

Queen Beryl- wtf are they doing here

Strega Nona- so Mercutio just texted me like ‘hey you’re mungojerrie aren’t you? Not the actual one you played him? So like wtf is happening with macbeth???’  
Strega Nona- and i know Mercutio is a real one so i told him ‘oh we’re manipulating him into becoming king so we can cause the downfall of this weird hierarchy we have in our friendship group because it sucks’   
Strega Nona- and apparently Macbeth’s been texting Banquo for his opinion on Duncan and used Benvolio as the reason so now Mercutio has to be pretending to be in love with Duncan 

AVPS Umbridge- I can’t be the only one who thinks that’s unnecessarily complicated

Tybalt- no I agree  
Tybalt- by the way can we please all change our names to our actual names  
Tybalt- or whatever names you’d prefer to be called!  
Tybalt- because i have no idea who you people are. I just know I stood in for your Macavity for three days once. 

Romeo- yeah and can you put your character in with that so we can have some context 

Strega Nona- :(

[Strega Nona changed their name to Cap/Mungo]

Cap/Mungo- no mungo is such an awful sounding abbreviation  
Cap/Mungo- it sounds like slang for an illness  
Cap/Mungo- ‘whats wrong’ ‘oh i’ve got the mungo’  
Cap/Mungo- let’s just fuse our names with the cats like they’re a ship

[Cap/Mungo changed their name to Capjerrie]

Queen Beryl- how the fuck do i combine ‘lady macbeth’ or ‘elle’ with ‘bombalurina’ 

[Capjerrie changed Queen Beryl’s name to Bombellurina]

[Benvolio changed their name to Benvolicopat]

Benvolicopat- :) 

[Mercutio changed their name to Mercsparagus]

Benvolicopat- that is AWFUL. 

Mercsparagus- good :)

AVPM Hermione Granger- You’re ignoring the fact that three of us are called Witch. 

Bombellurina- just use your witch number then???

[AVPM Hermione Granger changed their name to Gr2zabella]

[Agnes Nutter changed their name to Jem1ma]

Willabella Muckwab- if you think i’m going to use numbers in my name like this is 2014 you could not be more wrong 

[Jem1ma changed Willabella Muckwab’s name to Rumplet3azer]

[Romeo changed their name to Platomeo]

Juliet- there is no nice way to add the name ‘victoria’ to ‘juliet’, fucking fight me

Shrek Superslam Luna- viculiet?   
Shrek Superslam Luna- oh wait I haven’t done mine

[Shrek Superslam Luna changed their name to Macduffustrap]

Mercsparagus- that’s a good one tbh   
Mercsparagus- good ratio of human to cat name  
Mercsparagus- and jules have you considered julitoria

Juliet- fuck no it sounds like a medication  
Juliet- “oh i just have to go and take my Julitoria”

Platomeo- what would it cure

Juliet- yes. 

Tybalt- I was only there for three days so do I still have to do this

Benvolicopat- Yes. 

[Bombellurina changed Tybalt’s name to Macavitybalt]

Capjerrie- hey mac don’t think we’ve forgotten you you little bitchboy 

[Capjerrie changed AVPS Umbridge’s name to Macdustopeher]

Macdustopher- that is HORRIBLE and i HATE IT 

Capjerrie- :)

Rosalind- because I own brain cells, I am a conscientious objector.

[Rosalind left the chat]

Bombellurina- nooo rosalind don’t go you’re so pretty ahahaaa

Juliet- pretty as in oh she’s pretty or pretty as in step on me  
Juliet- because if it’s the second she’s taken sorry 

Bombellurina- oh shit sorry   
Bombellurina- happy for you though :) 

Rumplet3azer- plus aren’t you dating macbeth

Gr2zabella- You did say that you’d tell us what was going on between you two one day. 

Bombellurina- oh right i did  
Bombellurina- okay well long story short we aren’t together and never have been!

Macduffustrap- well fuck there’s a lot to unpack there

Capjerrie- asdfgj does Macbeth KNOW 

Bombellurina- yes he knows lol  
Bombellurina- to summarise juliet and mercutio aren’t the only people who’ve done the whole fake-dating-to-appease-the-parents thing  
Bombellurina- but this was in high school before Witch 2 compulsively adopted all of us 

Mercsparagus- sorry Witch 2 did what 

Gr2zabella- I found out that none of these fucks drink water or eat vegetables or go to sleep at a reasonable time and I must be the one to make them do that. 

Benvolicopat- but like merc and romeo and tybalt don't do any of those things 

Gr2zabella- Then Perish (with love)

Jem1ma- you really said perish (affectionate) 

Macduffustrap- so like you just didn’t tell anyone at the time?   
Macduffustrap- or were we just oblivious?

Bombellurina- no we didn’t tell anyone because we weren’t sure who would snitch   
Bombellurina- and as the years progressed we realised that you guys were, you know, fairly decent people, and you wouldn’t tell anyone who we didn’t want to know about it, even though my parents already knew at this point  
Bombellurina- but then we realised. We can only tell people once. 

Mercsparagus- ohohOHO devious  
Mercsparagus- i like it.   
Mercsparagus- elle you are a DELIGHT  
Mercsparagus- for those of us who don’t understand (Romeo) this means they can both choose their moment carefully to maximise the amount of chaos they both unleash 

Gr2zabella- We’re building up quite the collection of cursed secrets on this chat.   
Gr2zabella- Like we have this, to unleash at will  
Gr2zabella- We have duncan’s  
Gr2zabella- uh what are we calling it 

Macdustopher- Use the same naming conventions as destielputinelection

Capjerrie- duncanbeartrapwonderwall

Gr2zabella- we have duncanbeartrapwonderwall  
Gr2zabella- and we have the knowledge that fleance is a cat

Capjerrie- he’s WHAT 

Bombellurina- okay this is news

Rumplet3azer- yeah we broke into a dm between macbeth and banquo and it turns out that fleance is a cat, and has always been a cat. 

Mercsparagus- we aren’t in your friend group wtf is this  
Mercsparagus- i’m also VERY intrigued by duncanbeartrapwonderwall but that one can wait

Macduffustrap- okay so picture the scene  
Macduffustrap- it is one year after high school ended  
Macduffustrap- most of us are at college and in college housing, except banquo who inherited a house. This would later become macbeth’s house because banquo couldn’t keep up with having to vacuum more than 4 rooms, which may, in hindsight, just be because of fleance leaving cat hair everywhere.   
Macduffustrap- so we’re going to go to a club after college classes end because we’re dumbasses and we still went to clubs then instead of just renting out a ball pit like we do now and banquo says ‘sorry i cant come’ and tells us he has to get back to Fleance  
Macduffustrap- and we say ‘wtf why haven’t we heard of a fleance before’ and he’s like ‘oh i only adopted him about a month ago and he’s quite shy’   
Macduffustrap- and then lady macduff (my gf, for context) says ‘omg banquo you’re such a nice person i mean we’ve all said that one day we’d like to adopt but you just went out there and did it like you’re making such a difference to this kid’s life’ etc etc and she goes on a very long spiel  
Macduffustrap- banquo is looking more and more red in the face which on reflection may not just have been due to the positive attention then he runs away saying about he has to make sure fleance is ok  
Macduffustrap- and you’re telling me that Fleance is a C A T?????

Bombellurina- thats not all  
Bombellurina- macbeth has been getting out of situations saying ‘oh i have to babysit fleance, im one of the only people he can be around since he’s really shy so Banquo can’t get anyone else in’ and we’ve just been going like ‘oh thats so nice of you’ and really macbeth has just been going over there and playing with banquo’s cat

Mercsparagus- can i just say this is a JOY to witness  
Mercsparagus- we have a groupchat called ‘Those Cats People Are Doing Some Weird Shit Again’ but this really exceeds expectations  
Mercsparagus- excellent work everybody. phenomenal. 

Gr2zabella- Why do I get the impression that Mercutio is just living for the drama? 

Macavitybalt- because he is

Mercsparagus- indeed I am. 

Bombellurina- I hate to shock those who are already trying to mentally recover from fleance being a cat  
Bombellurina- but Macbeth seems hesitant to unseat duncan 

Capjerrie- oh come on 

Jem1ma- you need to keep trying to convince him  
Jem1ma- come on elle you’re our only hope 

Bombellurina- very well  
Bombellurina- i’ll attempt to keep convincing him while you guys tell mercutio and co the story of duncanbeartrapwonderwall

[Lady Macbeth to Macbeth]

Lady Macbeth- have you thought any more about what the witches said?   
Lady Macbeth- and about how I said you could make yourself king?   
Lady Macbeth- all you’d need to do was release the footage. 

Macbeth- you know i’ve decided to do nothing 

Lady Macbeth- you what 

Macbeth- I will simply hang out with fleance and that will solve all of my problems.  
Macbeth- he is a very wise cat  
Macbeth- *man  
Macbeth- autocorrect sorry 

Lady Macbeth- oh come on  
Lady Macbeth- do it! Be a man!

Macbeth- um no that’s toxic mask you linen tee. 

Lady Macbeth- fucking pardon

Macbeth- toxic mask you linen tee?  
Macbeth- it’s where you don’t want to wear linen t shirts because you don’t like that fabric or you have an allergy but you wear the linen anyway because you think it makes you seem more manly  
Macbeth- they covered it at one of my 2 philosophy classes I think

[Groupchat- Duncan and His Amazing Technicolour Vocal Range]

[Bombellurina sent a screenshot]

Bombellurina- this is so sad  
Bombellurina- alexa play Holding Out For A Himbo


	9. The Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man (Of The Forest) Intervenes

[Rumplet3azer changed the chat name to Witch 3 Finally Snaps]  
[Rumplet3azer changed their name to Superior Witch]  
[Superior Witch changed Jem1ma’s name to Traitor 1]  
[Superior Witch changed Gr2zabella’s name to Traitor 2]  
[Superior Witch changed Mercsparagus’s name to MercutiYO]  
[Superior Witch changed Benvolicopat’s name to BenvoliYO]  
[Superior Witch changed Platomeo’s name to RomeYO]  
[Superior Witch changed Capjerrie’s name to Least Favourite Sibling]  
[Superior Witch changed Bombellurina’s name to Completely Valid]  
[Superior Witch changed Juliet’s name to Somewhat Valid]  
[Superior Witch changed Macduffustrap’s name to Macduff]  
[Superior Witch changed Macavitybalt’s name to Irrelevant]  
[Superior Witch changed Macdustopher’s name to On Thin Fucking Ice]

Superior Witch- ASASDFGHJKWERTYUILSDFGHJKZXCVBNMWERTYKSDFGH

Macduff- Witch 3 do you need to talk?

Superior Witch- i swear you’re the only one who cares about me macduff all the others are nought but spineless traitors

Macduff- what happened to cause this amount of anguish???

Superior Witch- cap took my cake  
Superior Witch- cap took the last bit of cake while i wasnt looking aaand he he split it between him and th e other witches and he he didnt even give me any he didnt let me have any of the cake macduff  
Superior Witch- i am inconsolable

Traitor 1- haha she’s like miette  
Traitor 1- you KICK miette? You kick her body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for mother! Jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!  
Traitor 1- witch 3 that is what you sound like

Macduff- witch 3 have you considered letting your emotions out in a healthier way

Superior Witch- you mean laying face down on the ground in a forest until a deer licks my face like you do

Macduff- yes i mean exactly that  
Macduff- lying face down on the ground in a forest has taught me some valuable life lessons you know  
Macduff- and the time a deer licked my face i genuinely thought i’d died and was meeting an old forest god and its eyes looked so kind for about four seconds  
Macduff- it ran off after that but i feel like it spoke to me you know  
Macduff- and of course there’s that weird dude I met  
Macduff- sHIT  
Macduff- wAIT THATS IT  
Macduff- I have to go to the forest. I may be gone for some time, but I will return. Farewell.

[Least Favourite Sibling changed their name to Captain Jack]

RomeYO- is that a reference to Captain Jack Sparrow or Captain Jack Harkness?

Captain Jack- yes.

[Irrelevant changed their name to Tybalt.]

Superior Witch- wait  
Superior Witch- gotdamn  
Superior Witch- i shouldve changed juliet’s name to juliyeet

[Superior Witch changed Somewhat Valid’s name to Juliyeet]

Juliyeet- thank you witch 3  
Juliyeet- should any of us be concerned about Macduff?

Captain Jack- nah they do this all the time

Traitor 2- Sometimes me and the other witches join them but they get up to a lot of cool shenanigans when they’re there alone.

Juliyeet- only it seems as though they’ve gone to find a random ‘weird dude’ in a forest alone

MercutiYO- and?

Juliyeet- normally people would be concerned about that.

MercutiYO- no it’s probably just CHSM (OTF)

RomeYO- whom?

MercutiYO- ‘whom’ i’m going to eat your copy of dorian gray

RomeYO- no please it’s all i have

MercutiYO- CHSM (OTF) is Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man (of the forest)  
MercutiYO- he saw me there once when i was halfway up a tree for personal reasons

Traitor 1- what the hell were you doing in a tree for ‘personal reasons’ mercutio? trying to commune with hozier?

MercutiYO- yes actually and i’m fairly convinced that CHSM (OTF) could be an incarnation of him  
MercutiYO- he approached me as i tried to mimic bird calls and he gave me an unopened sparkling water which in hindsight i should probably not have drank and we had a very interesting conversation about gender and then he thanked me for my time and walked away

Superior Witch- why the FUCK would you drink the sparkling water  
Superior Witch- you’re practically asking to get yourself cursed

MercutiYO- whatever curses me underestimates my capabilities, i will curse it back

Captain Jack- the existence of a Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man (Of The Forest) implies the existence of Cool Hawaiian Shirt Men of other places

BenvoliYO- oh don’t get him started

MercutiYO- there are!!!  
MercutiYO- there’s Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man (Of The Sea), who I met when I was on a beach helping banquo to metal-detect things

BenvoliYO- you mean i was metal detecting and you were looking into rock pools and bothering anemones

MercutiYO- yes I do mean that  
MercutiYO- CHSM (OTS) talked to me about philosophy for a while then he took out a very old nokia phone and showed me a very low resolution photo of a cat then he said some stuff about fairies

RomeYO- is that where you get all that ‘queen mab’ stuff from

MercutiYO- yes lol  
MercutiYO- then there was Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man (Of The Plane) who i sat next to on a flight  
MercutiYO- all 3 of them looked different but their energies were the same

Traitor 1- the fact that you have a cool hawaiian shirt man of the air water and earth implies the existence of a cool hawaiian shirt man of the fire

On Thin Fucking Ice- long ago all the cool hawaiian shirt men lived in harmony but everything changed when the fire hawaiian shirt man attacked

MercutiYO- one day i’ll meet him and i am so looking forward to it  
MercutiYO- i already wear a hawaiian shirt under all my clothes as preparation

BenvoliYO- can confirm, he does

Traitor 2- jesus christ

[Macduff sent a photo]  
[Image description- a slightly blurry picture of a ring of mushrooms in a forest. It is clear that the photo was taken quickly or that it was rushed, and Macduff’s thumb covers some of the picture]

Superior Witch- macduff don’t you fucking dare  
Superior Witch- don’t do it macduff you’re better than this  
Superior Witch- don’t you fucking do it

Macduff- 🙂

[Macduff added Unknown Number]

Macduff- guys this is puck! He’s going to help us

MercutiYO- Cool Hawaiian Shirt Man Of The Forest! I knew you told me your name!!!!

BenvoliYO- wait puck’s real?  
BenvoliYO- wild

Superior Witch- NOBODY TELL HIM YOUR NAME  
Superior Witch- MACDUFF COUNT THE TEETH  
Superior Witch- THE TEETH MACDUFF THE TEETH

Captain Jack- hey puck why isn’t it letting me change your name in this chat?

Unknown Number- 🙂

Superior Witch- HE USES EMOJIS WE CANT TRUST HIM  
Superior Witch- THERES NO ART TO FIND THE MINDS CONSTRUCTION IN THE FACE

Unknown Number- *there’s *mind’s

Traitor 1- oh god oh fuck

Completely Valid- hey what’s going on  
Completely Valid- oh hey puck  
Completely Valid- can you help us?

Unknown Number- 🙂

[Unknown Number to Macbeth]  
Unknown Number- 🙂

Macbeth- hey wtf

Unknown Number- 🗡️

Macbeth- is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle towards my hand?  
Macbeth- because big oof if it is

Unknown Number- 🗡️🗡️🗡️

Macbeth- Come, let me clutch thee.  
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.  
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible  
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but  
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,  
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?  
Macbeth- wow that sounded super deep right

Unknown Number- 🗡️🗡️🗡️

Macbeth- gosh you’re right  
Macbeth- I feel like you really get me you know  
Macbeth- I see thee yet, in form as palpable  
As this which now I draw.  
Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going;  
And such an instrument I was to use.  
Mine eyes are made the fools o' the other senses,  
Or else worth all the rest; I see thee still,  
And on thy blade and dudgeon gouts of blood,  
Which was not so before. There's no such thing:  
It is the bloody business which informs  
Thus to mine eyes.

Unknown Number- 🔔🔔

Macbeth- I go, and it is done; the bell invites me.  
Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell  
That summons thee to heaven or to hell.

  
Unknown Number- 😎

Macbeth- hey dagger dude i have a plan and i need your help

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

Unknown Number- It is done.

Completely Valid- what is done?

Unknown Number- hͪaͤhͪeͣʰ ͣhͪeͣhͪehe.

BenvoliYO- hey what the fuck did you do

Unknown Number- H̸a̴h̶a̵h̶a̸h̸a̴h̵a̷h̵a̸

Superior Witch- he said what the FUCK did you DO

Unknown Number- ḥ̶̼͉̦͚͖̟͓̦̱̌͑̋͑̈́͑̊̃̇̓͘̚͜ą̷̧̪̩̹̲͕͚̗̹͙͕͓̜͇͕̥͚̙̮̯̀̐̍̓͛̉̾̀͜ḣ̸̢̡̺͎̱͓̪̤̞̞͈̖̙͈͎͜͜ͅa̴̢̡͚̬͍̦̯͍̠͚̮̘̯̞͑̈͆̇̈́͌͜h̶̨̧̡̢̲̙̫̻̦̘̟̬̝̪͙̼̘͔̻͉̜́͜ą̷̢̭͉͕͔̠̯̔̉͒̐̓̚̚͝͝ͅh̷̨̧̧̛̛̥̮̯̫̩͎̭̬̺͕͉͆̄̆̄̿̓̓̇̾̉͂̋̏̊̚̕̚͠a

MercutiYO- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO

[Unknown Number left the chat]

JuliYEET- press X to ‘what the fuck’

BenvoliYO- X

Captain Jack- X

MercutiYO- X

Macduff- X

Superior Witch- X

[Unknown Number created a groupchat]  
[Unknown Number added Macbeth, Captain, Witch 1, Witch 2, Witch 3, Macdonwald, Siward, Young Siward, Seyton, Lennox, Malcolm, Macduff, Donalbain, Lady Macbeth, Lady Macduff, Ross, and Duncan.]  
[Unknown Number sent a video]  
[Unknown Number left the chat]


	10. duncanbeartrapwonderwall

Video Description:

Macbeth, Macduff, Macdonwald, Lady Macbeth, and Lady Macduff are sitting around a crackling fire, with Duncan. There are two tents pitched in the background, and, next to them, are large bags full of American sweets that aren’t available in the UK. Everyone is wearing their pyjamas, and Duncan’s are Hello Kitty themed. Duncan holds a ukulele and is strumming something or other. Lady Macduff is leaning on Macduff’s shoulder, and Lady Macbeth is passionately arguing with Macdonwald about The Smurfs.

“They all come from one singular parent and there are no females, so they HAVE to reproduce ASEXUALLY.”

“Fuck you, Macdonwald, they’re not identical, so they can’t be the products of asexual reproduction.”

Lady Macduff says, through a mouthful of as many Wagon Wheels as Macduff dared her to fit in there at once,

“Hell yeah, get A-Level Biology’d, Macdonwald.”

“No, no, because they ARE identical, and they only differentiate themselves by how they personally identify, like how the fuckin...clever smurf wears glasses-”

“Which implies that he has worse eyesight than the rest! So they aren’t identical!”

Macduff starts to speak, and Macbeth zooms comically close into their face with the video camera.

“Okay, first of all eyesight can be determined by environmental factors, second, the Smurfs wiki clearly states that-” they begin to read from their phone “-the smurfs come into the world by a stork that delivers them to the Smurf Village from an unknown location. So we don’t know. About them being genetically identical, there is proof of that, because very few Smurfs are female, and those that are are most likely magical creations rather than natural-born Smurfs. Nanny Smurf may be the only exception as far as female Smurfs are concerned, but since little has been revealed about her origin as a female Smurf, it is uncertain whether she truly is a naturally-born female Smurf.”

Lady Macbeth lights up as though she has had an epiphany, and exclaims,

“Trans icon Nanny Smurf!”

Macduff echoes with a solemn and reverent,

“Trans icon Nanny Smurf.”

“I support her so much,” Macdonwald adds. Lady Macduff opens her mouth as though she’s about to say something, but as she does, a look of terror comes over her, and she says nothing. She does not move or speak; her only action is to look vaguely as though she’s about to piss herself. Macduff tries to ask what’s wrong before they look and see whatever it is that their girlfriend is seeing, and they become similarly afraid. Eventually, everyone turns to see it, and the camera swivels around to show a massive bear. It goes from being generally curious at first to openly hostile when it realises that all five Macs are making direct eye contact with it. The atmosphere is tense, made more so when Macbeth whispers,

“The bear spray...shit, where’s the bear spray?”

Everyone attempts to look for the bear spray as slowly and non threateningly as possible, while Lady Macbeth hisses,

“Does it go on us or on the bear?”

“I don’t know,” whispers Macdonwald, who is looking more frantic by the second, “I assumed just us having it would keep the bears away. Like a fucking...talisman, or something.”

“Well clearly it DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT,” Lady Macbeth says, looking like she is mentally reviewing the odds of who is going to survive this camping trip. There is a peculiar glint in her eye that heavily suggests it will not be Macdonwald. Luckily for all of them (but, of course, Macdonwald especially), Macduff, with their hand clasped around an object behind their back, whispers,

“I think I have it.”

On Macbeth’s count of three, they withdraw the can, their eyes clenched tightly shut, and spray until they can spray no more. It is only once they open their eyes several seconds later, and see the pathetically sad pile of oddly viscous cheese at their feet, that they realise that it was, in fact, not bear spray, but a can of aerosol cheese. And this has, unfortunately, not deterred the bear, but rather piqued its interest, so it is slowly advancing towards Macduff. They make a noise that sounds not unlike ‘𝚘𝚑𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚘𝚑𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚘𝚑𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚘𝚑𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝’, and grab Lady Macduff’s arm for comfort. She whispers to the rest of the group,

“Does anyone have a deterrent?”

“Like what?” Asks Macbeth, a known himbo.

“Like a fucking...deterrent! I don’t know!”

“Weren’t there meant to be bear traps?”

Duncan stands, and it becomes apparent that yes, there are bear traps. In fact, he has just stepped on one. If it were not for what Lady Macbeth kept referring to as ‘thigh high wellies’, he may have gotten seriously injured, but as it is, his wellington boots (which are, contrary to popular belief, only knee-length) are protecting him. He transfers his ukulele to one hand, and, with the other, withdraws a 15th-century hunting spear.

“Duncanwherethefuckdidyougetthat?” Macduff wheezes, now within eating distance of the bear. Macbeth, though we cannot see this on camera, is dangerously close to shitting himself. Lady Macduff is frantically googling ‘if bear attack what do’. Lady Macbeth is contemplating which members of the group she can outrun- because, as she sees it, she does not have to outrun the bear itself, but she does have to outrun Macdonwald. Macdonwald knows this, and he looks at her nervously. He is taller, but will that make up for her determination? Macdonwald doesn’t think so.

“Found it,” says Duncan casually, as though it were a particularly interesting leaf and not a 15th century hunting spear. He then begins to approach the bear. Lady Macbeth is readying herself to run- she’ll have to drag Macbeth with her, so that he doesn’t unwittingly go towards more bears, which will slow her down considerably, but if she can convince him to carry her while she just shouts directions, she could have an advantage in terms of speed.

Duncan approaches the bear like a young child approaches an angry goose, in that he would be doomed if not for his capacity to go completely batshit feral. And go completely batshit feral he does, beginning to scream at the bear for no discernible reason. The sound is like the gates of hell being opened, if Hell also hosted several death metal bands and a foghorn. It truly is a colourful scream. This section of the video lasts for ninety-two continuous seconds, possibly breaking a few records. The faces of everyone in the background collectively shift from terror to concern to an odd mixture of worry and awe. At some point, Macbeth reaches into the bag and takes out two tootsie rolls, giving one to Lady Macbeth and eating one himself. Duncan is still screaming at the bear.

Eventually, Duncan stops. It is unclear whether he is definitely finishing or if he’s just pausing for breath. The bear reaches its full height, and gives Duncan a look as if to say

“Stop it. Get some help.”

The bear then lumbers away.

With a sigh, Duncan sits back in his original position, and sets down his hunting spear, which is neither explained nor questioned. He takes from his bag a litre bottle of green Mountain Dew and chugs half of it at an alarming rate. Once he has finished with the Mountain Dew he takes out a Jolly Rancher and crunches down the whole thing, before he begins to strum on his ukulele again. Various looks of ‘hey what the fuck’ are shared around the campfire, before Duncan begins to sing.

“Today, is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you…”


	11. Oh, So You Thought Mercutio Was Chaotic?

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

On Thin Fucking Ice- are you guys seeing this?????

BenvoliYO- seeing what?  
BenvoliYO- all i’m seeing is Mercutio arriving at my door wearing the world’s most colourful fucking shirt and shouting before I’ve even opened the door ‘I GOT A HALF PRICE CHEESECAKE LET ME IN AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME’

RomeYO- omg goals af

JuliYEET- please do not say ‘goals af’

RomeYO- why not

JuliYEET- i like to pretend that you still have dignity

Macduff- yes I am seeing it!!! Macbeth has done it!!!!

Captain Jack- he released duncanbeartrapwonderwall! :D

Completely Valid- i knew i’d get there eventually

Traitor 1- hey elle?

Completely Valid- yes????

Traitor 1- ‘i kind of wish i was there just to see it but I don’t claim the macs groupchat nor do i associate with them’  
Traitor 1- you were there arguing about the smurfs just like the rest of them you liar

Completely Valid- i guess i just wanted plausible deniability 😔

Traitor 2- How did you manage to convince Macdonwald and Macduff to keep quiet about your involvement?

Completely Valid- well Macdonwald has of course repressed the whole affair anyway

On Thin Fucking Ice- *tom nook voice* yes yes!

Traitor 2- Fair. And Macduff?

Completely Valid- Macduff has been my friend throughout a number of years and I trust them to keep any secret I ask them to, and in return I would do the same for them. Our bond is not the sort that would even consider betraying the other and exposing them to the vicissitudes of the groupchat. Not only would we take a bullet for each other; we would also trust the other to hold us in their arms as we lay dying from the gunshot wound and then very quickly help them to change clothing to like a medieval priest so when we’re a ghost we can confuse future ghosts and when the future ghosts wonder why a medieval priest who barely washed his own ass was important enough to get shot when guns didn't exist, we can just be like ‘oh its personal so i can’t tell you’. THATS how much i trust macduff.

Macduff- she bribed me

Completely Valid- yeah i bribed them

MercutiYO- elle why do you have such specific plans for your death

Completely Valid- i was actually referring to macduff dying in that one because i think they’d vibe with it. And i have all your deaths planned out it's not a personal thing

Macduff- yeah i vibe a lot with that tbh

MercutiYO- so like do we get the duncanbeartrapwonderwall video or are you just going to leave us in suspense

[Captain Jack sent a video]

BenvoliYO- holy shit  
BenvoliYO- elle did you really just say ‘does [the bear spray] go on us or on the bear’

Completely Valid- it’s an IMPORTANT thing to KNOW

On Thin Fucking Ice- in what universe would the bear spray go on you

MercutiYO- life tip! Wear bear spray as perfume!

BenvoliYO- life tip! Don’t fucking do that!

MercutiYO- :)

BenvoliYO- as for the rest of the video, can i just say what the fuck  
BenvoliYO- like i knew the details of duncanbeartrapwonderwall but seeing it on video…  
BenvoliYO- sometimes I feel like this chat is just a big cage that god has trapped me in for my hubris and it’s called Oh, So You Thought Mercutio Was Chaotic?

Traitor 1- you okay there benvolio?

BenvoliYO- i’m fucking not

MercutiYO- he looks like he’s on the verge of crying into his cheesecake  
MercutiYO- also i’m surprised romeo’s not reacting to this where tf is he

JuliYEET- oh, he’s… otherwise occupied.

[Romeo to Juliet]

Romeo- and sometimes you just listen to them and goddamn… they’re right, you know? not even right as in ‘i’ve found the right one’, they’re just correct.  
Romeo- like they’ll give you a line like ‘just look at all that pain’ and damn… they’re right. just LOOK at all that PAIN. goshdarn it.  
Romeo- Gerard Way will say ‘What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay’ and it’s just like you’re right gerard. You’re completely right.  
Romeo- and damn they just...i think they really encapsulate a lot of things you know?

Juliet- thank you romeo very cool

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

Traitor 1- *narrows eyes* occupied by what

MercutiYO- is he angsting about My Chemical Romance again?

JuliYEET- *tom nook voice* yes yes!  
JuliYEET- oh god i’ve been on this groupchat too long  
JuliYEET- I’ve caught it.

Completely Valid- guYS DUNCAN IS TYPING  
Completely Valid- he’s sdfghjkl typing lkjhgfds

Traitor 2- I never had you down as someone who keysmashes.

Completely Valid- desperate times call for desperate measures

On Thin Fucking Ice- he’s still doing it guys let’s see what he says

[Unnamed Groupchat]

Duncan- lol

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

Captain Jack- hey WHAT THE FUCK  
Captain Jack- YOU EXPECT SOMEONE TO COMPLETELY ABDICATE OUT OF PURE SHAME  
Captain Jack- AND THEN THEY DON’T?  
Captain Jack- THE FUCKING AUDACITY???

Completely Valid- I’m fucking seething.  
Completely Valid- HOW did that not work

Traitor 2- Maybe we have to conclude that duncan simply does not feel shame.

Captain Jack- NO NO ACTUALLY FUCK YOU I WASN’T DONE RIOTING  
Captain Jack- WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS ‘LOL’? LIKE WERE YOU REALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD DUNCAN? WERE YOU?  
Captain Jack- AND BTW DUNCAN FEELS SHAME, AND I KNOW BECAUSE I SAW HIM IN HIS GARFIELD COSTUME ONCE AT A CONVENTION AND HE WOULDN’T LOOK ME IN THE EYE FOR THREE WEEKS

JuliYEET- damn that is so cursed  
JuliYEET- like i was victoria in cats with him and victoria is a pretty big character so i spoke to him a lot and damn he did not strike me as a garfield kinnie

Captain Jack- yeah he tried to hide behind some anime merch but i found him and we made 50 seconds of the world’s most awkward eye contact

MercutiYO- classic mistake really  
MercutiYO- when the wise man sees his boss at the nudist beach he covers not his dick but his face  
MercutiYO- and when the wise person sees their friend at the convention and they’re in garfield cosplay they cover not their garfield cosplay but they buy a darth vader helmet to cover their face

Completely Valid- ….

MercutiYO- like and subscribe for more life wisdom

Superior Witch- hey macduff?

Macduff- yes???

Superior Witch- what happened to puck

Macduff- yes :)))

Superior Witch- mACDUFF  
Superior Witch- I will ask this once more.  
Superior Witch- What happened to Puck?

Macduff- disappeared into the forest but promised he’d help  
Macduff- we’re becoming quite good friends actually. We added each other on duolingo.

Superior Witch- Look, as someone who you met by randomly wandering into a forest:  
Superior Witch- You cannot trust people who you meet by randomly wandering into a forest!

Macduff- Can I invite him to the next zoom debate

MercutiYO- only if i can also come

Superior Witch- *inhales deeply* I think that this may be unwise.  
Superior Witch- Do you notice my use of proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar, to convey the message that I am innately concerned for you but also annoyed past the point of caring and willing to let you try doing this just out of sheer spite?

Traitor 1- i notice it but by fuckening fuck it’s scary

Superior Witch- good :)

Captain Jack- wait tHERE’S AN IDEA

Superior Witch- betrayed by my own brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I just wanted to say thank you for the kudos and comments! i wrote this fic literally only because my friend said 'hey come like shadows so depart would be a good fic title' and i exist to punish people for their hubris, so I'm really glad that you've enjoyed it!


	12. Throckmorton Forever After

Captain Jack- all i’m saying is, it’s a valid question and should be explored!

Completely Valid- for the last time, we’re not debating whether or not the compare the meerkats are in love  
Completely Valid- there is nothing to debate there. they’re in love, Cap. It’s not that deep.

Captain Jack- fine then we’ll debate whether it’s a healthy relationship or one we should endorse

Completely Valid- no???? How is it NOT healthy?

On Thin Fucking Ice- i think sergei is oppressed

Captain Jack- for once i have to agree with macdonwald

Superior Witch- im so glad that malcolm isn’t here he’d be kin assigning us compare the meerkats

MercutiYO- we should add him

Macduff- mercutio you don’t even know him

MercutiYO- We Should Add Him

Completely Valid- but he’ll snitch to duncan

Captain Jack- to be fair malcolm is not resistant to bribery

[On Thin Fucking Ice added Malcolm]

Malcolm- hey what is this? ( ・◇・)？

Traitor 1- hey malcolm bb can you kin assign us compare the meerkats

Malcolm- GLADLY ψ(｀∇´)ψ  
Malcolm- idk all of you guys so I’ll just put the character and the specific set of traits

Tybalt- hey who tf is this

Completely Valid- Malcolm, exactly a year younger than us, any pronouns but most of us use ‘he’ because it’s the shortest to type, encyclopaedic knowledge of Cats and also compare the meerkats lore, genuinely enjoyed cats 2019  
Completely Valid- did i miss anything

Malcolm- no i don’t think so? ╮( ˘ ､ ˘ )╭

MercutiYO- hey malcolm i would die for you

Malcolm- then perish (=｀ω´=)  
Malcolm- ok so aleksandr orlov  
Malcolm- you are trying. You are trying so hard to live up to what expectations have been set for you. You are following in someone’s footsteps, but the prints become faded after a while and you don’t know whether you’re supposed to stop there or find your way blind. If you’re guilty of hedonism it’s because you know that you have a limited time- a limited time with these luxuries, a limited time on this earth, and you intend to make the best of it.

Macduff- …

MercutiYO- hey malcolm when i said i would die for you i didn’t mean you had to brutally murder me on the spot

Malcolm- stfu i’m not done (」°ロ°)」  
Malcolm- so sergei

[Unnamed Groupchat]

Lady Macduff- hey duncan???

Duncan- yh?

Lady Macduff- can i remix your scream?

Duncan- gosh please do

Lady Macduff- I already have :)

[Lady Macduff sent a video]

[Video Description- Duncan’s scream. It starts normally, but after about seven seconds, the beat drops, and a gif of a dancing frog is played in the corner]

Lennox- lol lady macduff i have a request

Lady Macduff- sure

Lennox- the whole video but it has the mii channel theme over it and you sometimes zoom in on people’s faces

Lady Macduff- your wish is my command

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

Malcolm-....so like I was saying, if you are Bogdan, you are going to be okay. there is help available. Also on the Meet the Meerkats page, it says that you like ‘squeaking the loudest’, which is nice for you.

MercutiYO- who’s that emo looking one

Malcolm- that’s vassily, who is next.

MercutiYO- lol that’s romeo

RomeYO- 😔

Malcolm- so Vassily  
Malcolm- you know that the world is dark. It is shadowed, shrouded in things that cannot be lit up again. But there is an odd beauty in the darkness, is there not? So you try to be as okay and as comfortable as you can- you talk, and you laugh, and you smile, and, while it may not make the darkness more bright or the silence louder, it can feel...more comfortable, somehow. You probably own a leather jacket or band t shirts. You probably listen to MCR. anything, to make the darkness seem more like rest than absence. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, but you have matches and you are willing to burn.

MercutiYO- literally romeo

RomeYO- you know what i’ll take that

Superior Witch- you seem oddly okay with the malcolm assigned compare the meerkats kin mercutio

MercutiYO- look i respect malcolm just for knowing all the compare the meerkats characters, but their descriptions? Malcolm you are an Innovator

Malcolm- ｡^‿^｡

Completely Valid- how many of these are left

Malcolm- only yakov (๑¯◡¯๑)

Captain Jack- malcolm do you ship any of these?

Malcolm- yeah i like sergei/yakov ̋(๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)  
Malcolm- not aleksandr/sergei though i don’t vibe with it  
Malcolm- MAYBE aleksandr/vassily

JuliYEET- i think the renewed knowledge of the compare the meerkats fandom has awakened me to something evil

Traitor 1- gosh me too

Malcolm- the sooner i do yakov the sooner all of this is over ಠ◡ಠ

Traitor 2- Please do Yakov.

[Macbeth to Lady Macbeth]

Macbeth- it didn’t work :(

Lady Macbeth- well there have to be other options!

Macbeth- should I confess my sins again

Lady Macbeth- no

Macbeth- I once confused marmoset with marmalade and told my entire class i was eating a marmoset sandwich and one girl cried

Lady Macbeth- i know i was there  
Lady Macbeth- i was the one crying.  
Lady Macbeth- although genuinely who just eats marmalade on sandwiches

Macbeth- i do? It’s tasty and vitamin rich??? Food of the gods???

Lady Macbeth- are you Paddington Bear  
Lady Macbeth- are you a fucking paddington kinnie

Macbeth- you know what maybe i am

[Groupchat- Witch 3 Finally Snaps]

Malcolm- and so that concludes my analysis of why sergei and yakov would be good for each other! It is over now.

BenvoliYO- thank god

MercutiYO- wait i have a question

JuliYEET- no the fuck you don’t  
JuliYEET- he doesn’t have any questions malcolm thank you for your time you may leave now

Malcolm- Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Malcolm left the chat]

MercutiYO- fuck you jules i was about to ask why they considered vassily to be a good partner for aleksandr  
MercutiYO- they didn’t even get into it

Completely Valid- just follow their compare the market fan account/youtube channel?

MercutiYO- they have one of those?

Superior Witch- yeah he posts a new video every time a new ad gets released and there are 2 following videos  
Superior Witch- because there’s the initial reaction video then the in depth analysis and finally a video on how it links to all other ones in the compare the market canon

Macduff- he has one of those pin boards and everything’s connected using little pieces of string and post it notes

MercutiYO- so a conspiracy theorist, but only for one specific topic

On Thin Fucking Ice- to be fair he can make quite good links into how it all relates to the evils of capitalism so it branches out quite nicely

BenvoliYO- honestly i didn’t think i would be endorsing any of the bullshit on this chat but you know what i support that  
BenvoliYO- some people have conspiracy theories that are prejudiced and scapegoat minorities, and that is of course A Bad Thing because you shouldn’t fucking do that  
BenvoliYO- but malcolm’s just theorizing about the town of meerkovo and we should support that  
BenvoliYO- we should all be a little more like malcolm

Macduff- we should absolutely fucking not.  
Macduff- malcolm looks innocent but they are hiding Sins in the surface beneath  
Macduff- also i once dared them to do a shot of soy sauce and they did it with no reaction no wincing nothing and no more than one person should have that power

BenvoliYO- okay i said a little more like malcolm not full on becoming one with them through an unholy ritual

MercutiYO- ….benny boy my love i know you’re ace but that had very different connotations to me than i think it did to you-

JuliYEET- or maybe mercutio’s just dirty minded? Ever consider that Merc?

MercutiYO- no ❤️

Completely Valid- none of this solves the problem of what do we make duncan debate us

MercutiYO- just use everything

Superior Witch- i second this

Traitor 2- I unsecond it

Traitor 1- I second it again out of spite

[Superior Witch changed Traitor 1’s name to Witch 1]

Superior Witch- <3  
Superior Witch- cmon elle even throckmorton agrees

Completely Valid- who’s throckmorton

Traitor 2- YOU STILL HAVE THROCKMORTON?????

Superior Witch- of course i still have throckmorton what kind of mother do you take me for

Macduff- omg witch 3 did you adopt a kid????  
Macduff- it’s so nice of you to give them a second chance with a loving family that they may have not previously had

Traitor 2- I’m stopping this immediately before it becomes a banquo and fleance situation.  
Traitor 2- Throckmorton is a frog.  
Traitor 2- and how long have you been keeping a random fucking street frog for???

Superior Witch- well i felt bad you see because throkky belonged in the wild so i released him :)  
Superior Witch- the throckmorton to whom i now refer is a jellycat plushie i got and named in his honour

Captain Jack- throckmorton II

Completely Valid- throckmorton the second

BenvoliYO- throckmorton 2 lost in new york

On Thin Fucking Ice- throckmorton 2 the squeakuel

Macduff- throckmorton forever after

Completely Valid- okay we’ll do all the debate topics  
Completely Valid- we wait until one of the debate topics stops being debate and starts being tyranny and switch

Captain Jack- okay but before we send our zoom debate troops into battle a word of warning  
Captain Jack- duncan, when he chooses to participate (which i have to say is incredibly variable and based on the dates i’ve recorded may be used to spell out the loss meme on his calendar???) is a very brutal zoom debater  
Captain Jack- I can’t describe it but… you’ll know.

Macduff- noted

MercutiYO- well he doesn’t know what we have on our side

Macduff- Puck?

Traitor 2- Knowledge about Fleance and Banquo?

On Thin Fucking Ice- throckmorton forever after?

MercutiYO- none of those  
MercutiYO- excuse me for a moment i need to make this unnecessarily dramatic  
MercutiYO- duncan may have an army  
MercutiYO- but we have a secret weapon

BenvoliYO- what is it o great mercutio who knows all? What could possibly save us now? (i was bribed into compliance with promises of another reduced price cheesecake and i have no shame)

[MercutiYO changed Tybalt’s name to Secret Weapon]

Secret Weapon- aw, beans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, hyperfixating on the Compare The Meerkats lore- there has to be a way to somehow utilise this information


End file.
